So 2013 didn't start in a good way. Me and Rufus continued to have problems in our relationship. By this time I was questioning my own sanity. I thought to myself maybe its me? Maybe I m the huge problem in this relationship. Maybe cancer treatments have changed me and my behaviour. So towards the end of last year I started going for cunselling sessions. One was done via hospital referral as my plastic surgeon wanted to make sure I was making the right decision about having the other breast removed. He wanted to make sure I guess I was of clear and sane mind and that I won't regret my decision later. For me that was no brainer. I didn't care for my other breast much. I knew they are a sexual "organs" as one of my doc had described it but I just thought at the time I didn't want to go thru this horrible treatment ever again and I would do anything to prevent that from happening.
Also I had a little bit of scare as my other breast became a little nodular. It was checked on ultrasound and was ok. Just the normal hormonal changes my nurse used to say.
So after a number of counselling sessions some on my own and some together with Rufus I decided to move out of his flat and look for somewhere else to live. It simply didn't work. I guess despite of being in relationship I felt so lonely. I felt like I was just the part of the furniture. Ive cleaned, cooked, did laundry, became this little house wife as I had more time. I did all those things for us as I thought he wouldn't have to worry about any house chores but instead he would talk to me or we could do something together in the evenings. So most days i felt he was very irritable or running away and most evenings when he was at home I d spend in the bedroom on my iPad ! That I felt was a majority of our life.
He later said he was going thru some difficult stuff at work but wouldn't talk to me about it as I wouldn't understand. I was angry as he wouldn't even try talking to me about those problems and I have seen it all as a simple excuse for his behaviour. Also what hurt me the most is finding out he was kissing someone else last year when I was going thru my chemotherapy, when I was at my worst. I know often he d say I was like a grey cloud in his life and when he goes out people are happy, enjoying their life, drinking and having fun ... I can understand all that and also I can understand I was very difficult to deal with whilst going thru this cancer stuff. They pump you with all sort of crap, toxic stuff, steroids so no wonder I wasnt totally going out of my mind ! The thing I couldn't understand is if he was so deeply unhappy with me why did he not leave? Why put me and himself thru further emotional suffering. I didn't asked for cancer to happened to me but it did. I didn't choose this sort of life, it was imposed upon me but he could choose not to live this sort of life and leave rather than emotionally drain me further. I didn't need him to feel sorry for me and stay with me out of pity....
I know cancer is hard on any relationship and yes there will be some problems along the way. I ve educated myself enough about cancer and all aspects of life with and after cancer.
I guess what we needed to do is talk more. However it didn't help that we were both very stubborn people who want it their own way or no other way. We didn't know how to compromise and we were very different people. He was on one end of the spectrum and I was at the other. We were two extremes and despite of relationship not working out we did care about each other.
So I moved out of his flat at the end of March 2013.
It was hard not having him in my life. Even if he didn't talk to me, he was still there in the background. I also had a fear of my new life. When I moved out of his place I didn't go out for a week, I couldn't face seeing people, all I could do is watch silly things on tv and cry. I had too much of emotional loss from breast cancer to break up of our relationship. This was all happening too soon after my cancer treatment, a lot of changes. Also I had plastic surgery coming up as well. I opted to have prophylactic surgery of my other breast and reconstruction at the same time with a muscles and flap from my back. This again was all new, heavy and scary stuff to deal with but I wanted to put all the cancer stuff behind me as soon as possible and move on from it.
So I stopped working in April and my surgery was fast approaching...
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