What a great start to my new year ! My phone has broken down !
I know its totally crazy to worry about the things like my phone when I have this cancer thats attacking my body in a ruthless kind of way. But yes I do worry about my phone. My phone is what keeps me connected to life. I ve got all my contacts there, I ve got texts I need to reply to, Ive got my notes, my appointments, ha i should say my Facebook too. All those things are important to me these days. My phone is my life ! My phone is what keeps me connected to my world. Even at the back of my phone in its see thru case I have my chemo warning card with contact numbers in case I collapse on the street. I was just trying to make it easier for an ambulance crew I guess if anything should happen to me. Its all good providing my phone doesn't get stolen in the process.
So it took me a few days to get a replacement phone and I was happy. Its like I ve got my life back.
. These days when I go by tube (must admit don't go there very often) you see people glued to their phones everywhere around you. Its amazing how times have changed so quickly. Only few years back we didn't have any of this mobile technology and now its out there as a normal part of everyones life. I hope they can hurry a cure for cancer too. Would be great if I could live to see that day and live to be cured. All I ve got now is life of hope. Hope that something good comes my way in all my darkness.
Its been just over a month now since my relationship with Rufus ended. Im still sad and angry at the times. I miss that person next to me very much. We did share some really nice memories together.
There is a lot of hurt and pain that I fell but I have to pick myself up and go on...
I wasn't sure how best to deal with situation really. Mum was with me most of the time, keeping me company and I love her for that very much but there was part of my life that was missing very much.
Often I d look at my cancer reality and put it in prospective but you can't help emotional pain from a broken down relationship. It needs time to heal and I just wanted it to happen fast.
My health situation wasn't the best in those early days in London. I had to miss chemo on several occasions due to my Neutrophils which were often around 0.8 (normal for chemo to have is 1.5 and above). My WBC were also low 1.2 (normal for chemo 3) but my tumour markers were going down. They fell from 102 to 85 which is great,. However they re not reliable. So often they d leave me to recupurrate for a while and than attack hard with chemo again. My prof even decided to reduce it a little as it was not only potentially killing cancer but it was killing me too ! I ve mentioned to my Prof E. that Ive moved closer to the hospital. He smiled and said " So Dani you re a local girl now " ! Well I suppose I was...
Seeing him was always good. It was like seeing a good old friend thats trying to help you through a difficult time. So my advise is if you re not happy with your oncologist or a doctor, don't be afraid to go for a second opinion, or a third even ! I was always honest with my pervious oncologist and told her I was seeing different oncologist for advice and see if treatment is potentially different. What I found is some doctors are more involved than others, some are more gutsy and willing to try new things whilst others play on the side of the caution. Some genuinely care and thats what I felt with my Prof E. and decided to be treated by him. I know not everyone can afford to move but I didn't have a husband, house or kids and I guess I have always taken a risks in my life, some good some bad and I moved to where the care was better for me.
In January when I started feeling better, I started seeing some of my good old friends. My old friend Tesni came with our friend Emma to visit which was really great. We walked a long distance along the river Thames. I was surprised I could do that much walking! Emma complained of severe muscle aches the next day which made me laugh. I guess my friends behave in a normal kind of way around me so they make me feel normal too. They do long walks and my will to live and enjoy little things makes me want to keep up with them. Im happy being around my friends. However, its difficult explaining some of them my emotional / physical life of cancer. Initially it made me sad but now i was talking about it very openly and with some sort of acceptance. I guess it takes a long time to reach that acceptance. It took me nearly 6 months and I still think at the times that I'm in denial. There are still days when I wake up in the morning and think wow I'm healthy, full of life and I can do anything. But then as soon as I move, my back reminds me of my problems and tiredness sometimes kicks in even by the time I walk to the loo! Then I m sort of back to my grim reality of my life and I search for the things that might make me laugh, silly things like repeats of Frasier on a TV or reading something funny to pick myself up a little. I want to live and laugh now more than ever. Ive decided its best to start monkeying around whenever I can ....
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