Cancer - such a lonely and isolating disease…..
I was on High St Kensington with my mum today. We window shopped for a while and then went to a lovely Italian restaurant for a meal. Despite of trying to pretend to enjoy life I never felt so isolated and lonely like I did today. My poor mum was doing the best she could to keep conversation going. However my mind was somewhere entirely different. I looked at all the people around me finely dressed complaining about not getting their meals 2 minutes after they ve ordered their food, surrounded by screaming children, waitress's desperately trying to sell you all the extra side orders etc.
While I was sitting there I wondered if it was noticeable to anyone apart from my mum that I was ill and with stage IV cancer that is still progressing despite of chemo ! I felt there was a huge gap of empty space between me and those normal people. Yes some of them might have serious illnesses, their problems and worries but nothing that was noticeable to me. I suddenly realised no matter how hard I try to make my life normal, I never could and will be normal again. I ve lost sense of what normal is !
Well here is my story of this long and exhausting dance with my breast cancer. I feel like my cancer is a strong leader in all of this and I m just following it's lead and it's exhausting.
Hello Dani.
ReplyDeleteI was diagnosed March 2013 with stage 4 BC w/ mets to bone. I read parts of your blog and could empathize with the emotional roller-coaster you're on.
While my cancer was not as extensive as yours, it was a to-the-brink-of-death fight and there were many mornings that I woke up so sick and in so much pain, that I wished I had not (woken up). But I continue - have made it through the worst six months of my life of rigorous chemo infusions and all the sickness associated (nausea, hair loss, nail loss, swelling/bleeding bottom of feet, neuropathy in hands, insomnia, mouth sores, weight loss, headaches, weakness - fell and tore the rotator-cuff in my shoulder, aching bones and what you call sciatica). I was, at one time on15 prescriptions, having weekly blood tests and too many other tests (PETscans, MRIs, x-rays, ultrasounds) to remember. And while I felt like throwing in the towel MANY days, I did everything the doctor told me to do - and then some: quit eating meat, sugar or drinking alcohol, tried to exercise and took supplements...as of last month I'm officially in remission.
Now while I know that the scary part of stage 4 is that there is no cure - only treatment, I have managed to get to remission. And as long as I can stay in remission, there is hope of new breakthroughs in cancer research that may some day become my "cure". So in the mean time, my very sweet husband is determined to instill in me the attitude that I will beat this. Because they say attitude is half the battle.
So what I hope to share with you is just that: hope. Continue to surround yourself with people who love and care and support you. Take one day at a time. And focus on the hope of a better tomorrow.
Hi there,
DeleteThank you very much for your kind words and encouragement to go on.
Like you said yourself I felt at the times packing it all in and giving up, as all of this is so hard and you can't see an end to it.
However people that surround me, my family, my friends even seeing our little dog' s sad face make me want to live. So I will continue this cancer journey, even thought at the times it can be very unpleasant and I will continue to use my good days to enjoy the life the best I can. My friends have been very supportive and have travelled from all over the UK to come and see me and to encourage me that there still can be a life even if you re going through this cancer journey.
Some days Im so overwhelmed by the number of emails, texts etc
I guess Im lucky in that I have a great people around me....
Well done for getting your cancer in remission. I hope it stays like that for many, many years and lets hope they find some new drugs very soon for this horrible illness.
Until than, its a green juices all the way ...
I really admire your attitude towards this illness.
Please do keep in touch
Sending you some gentle hugs
Dani
Also thank you for reading my blog and sharing your story
ReplyDeletexxx