August before I commenced my oral chemo therapy treatment (capecitabine) there was a lot of tension around my flat. My mum more or less moved in with me to help me out as I could hardly do anything with my severely compromised back. Rufus would come and visit almost each evening and than retreat back to his flat afterwards.
There was this anxious wait between my new diagnosis and start of my chemo. We all wanted things to happen soon! We didn't want to wait, as in a couple of weeks cancer will spread no doubt and will be a little bit bigger than it was at my scans earlier in july
I was understandably reluctant to try it. We would than argue a little, cry a little, hug and than go back to our "normal". My mother was willing to go to any lengths to find something that will make me feel better. When you love someone so much you dont care what you need to do but you ll do absolutely anything to help them, to protect them, heal them and to keep them alive.
Tension grew more each day between my mum and dad and Rufus. One day I think we all got to the breaking point and mum and Rufus had a really big argument. They ve not spoken to each other for a while properly after that. I love them both and I just wanted everyone to be with me and stay united in all of this. I guess my mum was subconciously looking for someone to blame for all of this that has happened to me. She was angry that I had to go thru something like this and she felt helpless at the same time. She is not a vicious person, she d help anyone but she was now a Tiger trying to protect her cub from the outside world and she felt helpless. She herself was going thru the range of emotions that I can only imagine. This was all happening too soon after diagnosis....later when things started to move with my treatment she got better. However, it took some time for her to reach that point of acceptance.
I guess cancer can sometimes bring the worst in the best of people. Initially our instinct tells us we need to fight, do anything to help heal, we feel angry, sad, helpless and might often look for someone to blame (from doctors, stresses in our life,etc etc..)....We go through the range of emotions in such a short time as dealing with the prospect of death is never easy. Not easy for the people going through the cancer but also not easy for their loved ones either. Of course everyone deals with the situation differently but with us it caused tension, fear, anger and feeling of helplessness.
I remember at my first cancer diagnosis back in 2011 I felt so angry. I wanted to scream and shout out loud but of course I couldn't do that as I lived on the main road and if i did people would probably wonder what was happening to me and if i was being strangled or something..... However, yes I was being strangled by this cancer and I had so much anger in me that I wanted to break everything around me, throw the stuff through the window, and scream but instead I collapsed on the floor in tears and screamed into my big pillow.
Some people might suppress their emotions but I couldn't. .... this time around I just needed to cry and cry some more...
Everyone around me was desperately trying to cure me.....even though we all knew there is no longer a cure for my cancer and we could only hope that with chemo it becomes more stable and doesn't spread further.
It was difficult for me this deal with it all as I now had this growth inside me, this uninvited alien occupied my body and is refusing to leave. I now had to learn how to live with this uninvited stranger in my body, this enemy..
All my plans for the rest of the year, all my plans for the rest of my life came to nothing. Its like someone erased everything, erased my future completely. So I was now presented with this endless blank, white canvas with nothing on it. Not even a scribble on it! Where do I go from here? How do I live my life knowing any moment now I could die.
I endlessly searched internet looking for a long term Stage IV survivors. How do other people cope with it? What happened to them ? How did they die? How long did they live? What did they eat ? Is there a diet that could cure cancer ?
I wanted to have all the answers .... but then slowly I had to let go of it all, not stress about anything and accept I will live in this shared body on hopefully long term lease with my cancer...
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