When one bad thing happens it usually comes with another bad thing, and another...Its like a string of bad events.
My back pain wasn't completely settled but it was so much better though. I was referred for radiotherapy consultation in a hope that it might improve my pain, if nothing else.
I went to this consultation but towards the end of it I nearly cried. Just when I started picking myself up, some people do know how to bring you down completely again. Probably unintentionally I should say. As thats exactly what I felt like at my radiotherapy consultation. I felt like I was completely written off.
I could see in my notes there was a lot of those "palliative care only" stamps but I wasn't ready to give up just yet. How could I ? I ve got to at least give it my best shot rather than surrender and say cancer please eat my body from inside out as soon as you can ! I mean I knew my reality and I knew my life was gonna be a short one but I also knew there are drugs being produced out there that are giving people hope, extending their lives, giving them more time with their loved ones...
Now this consultant, radiotherapist I was seeing more or less said there is no point in giving you this sort of treatment as you can't be cured. I felt really angry on the inside and nearly said something that I was gonna regret. So in the last moment managed to compose myself and carry on with consultation. I had a few private consultations by now and each one of those oncologists agreed its for the best to get at least one shot of radiotherapy treatment. However, this consultant is saying no. So we had further discussion and It was decided I was gonna get at least one treatment. Believe it or not just one shot of radio is enough to bring the pain down.
She did say that radiotherapy will get to my liver as well. That was one of the side effect.
Surely it can't be that bad since half of my liver was eaten away by cancer and radiotherapy might only additionally help! So I left consultation room feeling so negative and down. I couldnt wait to get home and cry.
Luckily mum has left home to give me and herself a little bit of the break as I was feeling much better by the end of september so she didn't see me cry that day.
My chemo / capecitabine continued to make me feel nauseous but it wasn't too bad. I had another scan and found out that it wasn't working as well as it was supposed to.
This was my report:
So this CT scan report says that chemo is working but not as well as they ve hoped so I was switched to Gemcitabine / Carboplatin (Gemcarbo) Chemotherapy. My cancer was escaping control...
At least my tumour markers were down from 306 to 102 !
The first one wasn't too bad but later on is where all the problems started with this particular chemo.
With this one I would have gemcarbo in my first week, then Gem only in my second week and then have a week break. You d normally have steroids/antisickness in week one, then anti sickness, no steroids in week two. By mistake I took some steroids prior to gem infusion in week two and caused my bloods to go up a little otherwise they were ready to skip my week two of treatment due to low bloods.
I didn't feel any different apart from slight tiredness, nothing I couldn't cope with.
So the first cycle sort of went well.
October is my birthday month. For my birthday I asked for no presents but my partner remembered I fell in love with a lamp ( back in july at art in action ) that reminded me of "tree of light" and he bought it for me as a surprise.
It was such a lovely gesture. I loved my new lamp very much so. However not long after my birthday our relationship ended and this lamp became a reminder of yet another loss in my life.
One day me and my partner sat down to talk about the stuff in our lives, our relationship.This was the time when he told me that he realised he will never have his "happy ending" with me and doesn't know what to do. If he stayed with me he feared he d loose x amount of years and still not have his happy ending.
I felt very angry, rejected and deeply hurt. I guess I never let him finish whatever he might have wanted to say but asked him to leave.
My good old friend Lizzie came to see me and we had a good old chat over pizza about my now failed relationship. That was something that we both had in common at the time. I just needed to vent, tell someone what happened. I felt angry. I wasn't sad or crying but I was angry at how insensitive that was to hear from the person I loved so much. I did appreciate his honesty but there are other ways to end relationship ... I felt he was just thinking about himself at this point.
I kind of knew my relationship with Rufus would not survive my Stage IV cancer journey. I felt that when the going gets tough he will eventually walk away.
I stayed put in my flat for another few weeks and asked Prof E. in London to transfer there for my treatment. Ive had so many hurts and pains in my previous place where I lived and I needed a change. Also I was much happier with my Prof E. care in London. He has this amazing ability to deliver a bad news in a good way. You can never leave his consultation room feeling down or sad. For some time now I really wanted him to be my consultant and no one else. I trusted him, he made me feel good after each consult and he is a top doc I would say. He is very passionate about his work and keeps up with research, and I couldn't find anything negative about him and I still can't. I just wanted him to take over my cancer care. So thankfully he did.
The only thing I missed from my last place are my lovely friends. They have been so good in keeping my spirits up and keeping me alive through my cancer journey.
So at the end of October beginning of November 2013 I was faced with moving flats, moving cities, end of my relationship and possibly loneliness ... I didn't know that many people in London apart from my parents and some of their friends. Most of my friends are elsewhere around the UK.
Moving cities, find a new place to live and ending your relationship is hard for a healthy young person but I was in my late 30s, with terminal cancer, getting thru emotional pain at the end of my relationship ... It hasn't been easy at all...How much more of this can I take ? I kept on asking myself. At the times I wished I was never diagnosed with Stage IV cancer but instead I wished if I had quietly slipped away without knowing what was wrong with me, without knowing my cancer had come back. Late night hours is usually when I d break down and cry and eventually fall asleep...
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