This is me the next day:
Rufus came in the morning to check on me and Ive asked him to take a pic the day after My Stage IV diagnosis. For some reason I wanted to keep the photo diary of my grim cancer journey ever since the first day back in 2011. At this point junior doctor came around and explained I shouldn't be moving around as much as there was a great risk of me causing further fracture of my spine / vertebra and being left paralysed from the waist down. This placed even more fear in me but I had to move around. I couldn't just be lying in a bed, I d go out of my mind ! and plus the risk of blood clots !
My spinal consultant requested for me to have a spinal support brace. So i needed to stay in the hospital until than.
My parents arrived too. I could see that they were crying a lot the night before, they looked very washed out but tried to keep some positivity for my sake. However I could see thru it all. I can only imagine what it must have felt like for my mum hearing that her only child had terminal cancer and will die much earlier than expected. I know we all think we could go out on the street and be run over the car and die... but this was different. This was my fast forward life and it was happening way too fast. I now knew Id die from my breast cancer but what I didn't know and still don't know is how much will I suffer and how much more pain Id have to endure...
Rufus left to give us some time to talk.
Ive seen my oncologist later on as well. I openly expressed my anger about my late diagnosis, failure to diagnose me sooner when I complained about my problems and requested to know how long Ive got. With some reluctance she told me Id be expected to live anything from 3 weeks up to 2 years. That moment I felt a big lump in my throat but I didn't cry I was just scared and angry at this point. I cried in the late hours at night almost every night and wondered where all those tears came from.
Sometimes listening my music and falling asleep was calming to me but the thoughts of dying were never too far away. I was going thru the practicalities in my mind over and over again, like what i needed to do, what utilities I needed to sort out, what kind of funeral would I have, how will everyone cope after Im gone, what if I live for a month only will I be able to sort out everything in time, etc, etc...
From July 27th I was facing a long line of tests, scans, treatments.....
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