February 2014 - 6 Days in Hospital Bed

Just when I thought things are getting a little better,  despite of a big emotional pain especially around Valentines day I felt a lot calmer than I ever was, happy even if I could say.
I started enjoying my life in London. I enjoyed my little walks around the river Thames (not the freshest of the water) ! I even enjoyed seeing tourists, crowds gathering and taking pictures of the famous Tower Bridge. All this made me feel alive and gave me a certain sense of belonging.  At the times it all felt so unreal. Id always have my music with me wherever I go and it made me happy.

The night before I had a meal, watched some telly and went to bed. Mum wasn't with me that night as she had an appointment that she needed to go for. She wanted to cancel it and be with me but I ve encouraged her to go and reassured her that I ll be fine. However that night I was way too far from being fine ! 

I started having stomach pains around 2am. There was a really bad acid built up in my tummy too. I don't think I had much sleep at all that night. By the morning I started to feel worse and worse. At around 9 am I finally picked up the phone and called oncology and they ve arranged ambulance transport. By the time they came to pick me up I could barely stand on my two feet! I felt weak, I felt sickly and very dizzy at the times. At the hospital I didn't care that they needed to insert cannula ( more needles) I felt strong pains in waves all across right side of my stomach and very nauseous and weak. I honestly felt like I was dying ! Mum I ve noticed called a few times and she kept on calling. When I picked up she was very panicky and scared. I told her I was admitted to the hospital. She rushed over with her friend. I was so happy she came with a friend as she was beside herself when she saw me. She immediately grabbed a blanket to cover me as I felt very shivery. 

So after X-rays, bloods etc a young doc came and told me I needed ct scan as they think it's my disease blocking my intestine. I'm not allowed to eat ( not that I wanted to ! ) or drink anything at all. 

I didn't have my bed yet just temporary big chair which I found very uncomfortable.   

Eventually half dead they ve sent me for a CT scan. As I recall in my half conscious state my mum was holding on well. However later on I found out she kept popping out to the loo or to get some water as she was trying to wipe her tears away so I wouldn't see her. Apparently I looked so bad that she was worried if I was gonna survive at all. 

They took me in for a CT scan. I was in so much more pain despite of pain relief I was given. When they tried to push pre dosed automatic dose of contrast thru my little cannula and my tiny blood vessels I thought the back of my hand had been ripped apart. The pain was unbearable, I screamed and I felt my body was slowly giving up ! That night they ve kept me on the ward hydrated with IV body fluids. I had some morphine too to keep me comfortable. 

The next morning my stomach was still bad, couldn't eat or drink. I ve managed to get to the loo don't know how really.  I looked like hell.  It was like a horror movie.  Nurses were surprised I've managed to walk down to the loo without any help or a frame ! Only my drip ! 

The young junior doc came to see me. I'm my half awake state I ve asked what was on ct and what can be done. She said they think it's my disease blocking my intestine. If by Monday I don't feel well I ll have a camera down my throat / endoscopy to see what's happening. I ve asked what's next ? She said if my cancer is blocking it in some cases they can do surgery but in my case that might be difficult so it was the matter of making me comfortable and pain free. Gosh I thought, so they re just leaving me to die now ! This is it !
I felt I was ready to let go of the pain, end my suffering and also end suffering of my poor mum. But on the other hand I didn't want to die ! I wanted to live for longer, I want to be present in this world, I'm not entirely ready to go yet ! I want to enjoy sunshine, I want to smell flowers, watch to clouds roll around ! Suddenly that realty of dying was way too close now, closer than it will ever be but I'm not ready yet. As soon as doc left I burst into tears and I was too paralysed with emotions to move. 

Some people might say that doc was so insensitive but in a way I appreciated her honesty and bluntness. 

That day my friend Omar and his sister came all the way from Bham to see me. They ve only stayed for 15- 30 mins and than they left as they wanted me to be able to talk to my parents. When they arrived I had a such an urge to have some sort of juice (against medical advice !). His sister rushed to get me a juice and instead of one she brought two bags full of juices, bottled water etc etc. I couldn't believe her kindness and generosity ! I do like her and I wish I knew her better but she felt she s always getting in the way and would leave me and my good old friend to chat about our little things. They ve tried to cheer me up a little.

As each day went by I started improving a little and nurses on the ward have noticed that too. They were ever so good and gentle with me and I didn't ask much of them. 

Few days later I started feeling a little better.  

They ve sent me for an X-ray to check on progress. I expected to see improvements but my scan showed otherwise! My small bowel is still blocked at one part and dilated at the other above the blockage ! So I had to stay in until I'm able to eat and drink and open my bowels ! 

Finally on weds they said I could go ! All the nursing stuff was very chatty and talking to me and praised me how I'm  looking so much better and they all commented on my super cool slippers my mum bought me 

Now even thought I lost 2 kgs while I was in the hospital ( from 59 to 57 kg ) I was happy to be alive ! In a cancer world we say survivor for a person living with cancer but I think rather than survivor I feel "aliver", more alive than I ever was but extremely tired. I was happy to be here for a little longer. I was happy to be "home" in comfort of my new flat, surrounded by the things I love.
So next few days were all about pampering, resting and taking small steps one day at the time ....

                                                Me, the day before I was discharged