14. October 2011 - Post preliminary biopsy

                                    

                                           

Friday - 3 days after my "self diagnosis" we were meant to go to the house party organised by one of our friends. I said to Rufus that im in no state to go to some BBQ party and pretend that everything was ok when obviously it wasn't.  He said he will go as one of us had to go and that it would not be fair if one of us didn't turn up (at the party of 40-ish  people). He also mentioned that he would stay in his flat which is not far from the party house and that he would see me tomorrow. 
I wanted him so much to stay with me, talk to me, not go to some silly party, cuddle me and tell me that everything was gonna be ok. Instead I was facing a whole evening of loneliness, fear. I couldn't say don't go but deep down I wanted to. I didn't see Rufus until evening next day as he was too drunk to drive to my place which is 15 mins drive from his flat. 

When I asked if he mentioned to any of our friends that I was diagnosed with breast cancer he said “no I didn't as thats such a downer to mention in conversation”.

I was a downer now , I felt hurt, I felt angry but I couldn't let go of him as Rufus is the only person that knows (apart from my manager and boss at my work place ) that I have cancer. So I expressed my unhappiness, tried to forgive him and felt i needed him now more than ever. 

My finger on the right is pointing to the site of the lump.

So here I am all bruised from  ultrasound guided biopsy, lost in the world completely…