Before I tell you all about my cancer, my emotional and physicals ups and downs etc etc let me tell you a little bit about my life,
My life before my Breast Cancer
I was born in mid ‘70s and grew up in former Yugoslavia. According to my mum I was a very happy child, a child with a big smile across my face. I used to laugh a lot and everyone thought I was the happiest kid they’ ve seen.
When i was a little girl age 5 or 6 yrs old I was given a train set as a present. You can build your own tracks, put a little plastic trees on the side or a small building and once you ve built it you turn it on and off we go, train moves along the tracks … I thought that was amazing, the best ever present in the world. I was fascinated by it and up to todays date I really do love those train toys.
I was never a doll person and always preferred boys toys. Even my best friend was a boy next door called Djorde.
This is a pic of two of us, riding our super cool bikes:
Me and my best friend
Everything was going so well in my life, I was carefree child with no worries in my little world, enjoying super warm summers and snow filled winters until the age of 7 yrs old.
( I was dark blonde back than !)
Thats when I found out my parents were getting divorce. My mum found out the hard way that my dad was cheating on her when a pregnant woman turned up at our door step and said that my dad was the father. Mum stayed in our house for a while until she could figure out her life and later decided to leave. She asked me if i wanted to come as well and so I did. I love my mum more than anything and couldn't imagine living with a father that was never there. So we left our family home.
Mum rented a small place for just us two.
I guess some of you who know my family will probably know that my granddad was a very wealthy man. He was a butcher, always on the go and in the search of the perfect stock. He lived in a big house on the outskirts of the town with his ageing mother and his son (my younger uncle). I don't think he could sustain marriage since he was always on a go and hardly ever home. Just above the house, on the hill he had a massive slaughter house with 3 big and very aggressive guard dogs. Below the house was my favourite place - a field of raspberries, all nicely lined up with a big tree in the middle of the field. I m not sure what sort of tree it was but I remember i used to love running away and hiding under its shade in the summer months. My granddad also had a lovely dog called Lucy, cross bread just a little bit smaller than labrador. The neighbour next door had a chicken who regularly lay eggs. Lucy used to love their chicken and you d often see her being chased by an angry neighbour with a broom down the street. She was such a lovely and very loyal dog to me. Because of her I used to love going to my granddads. I had a lot of wonderful adventures there even though I hardly ever would see him there. However, mum had a different reasons for going there. She was now a single mum, with hairdressing salon and not much profit from it, a rent to pay and she d find it hard at the times. So she d go to my granddad to get some support money and to fill our bags with fresh stakes, sausages, cured meat etc etc.
My mum ended up being a hairdresser sort of by accident. My granddad was keen for her to go to medical school, postpone getting married and having family until she graduates so when she couldn't fulfil “his” dreams I guess he tried to teach her a lesson that life was hard and you have to work hard for living. Its not as if she didn't try, she did start medical school training but soon she learnt that she couldn't stand blood and would feel faint and she gave up. So my granddad helped her financially every now and than.
So my life was still ok. Not as comfortable as it was before but I got used to it. I met a lot of new friends in my new school so it was ok.
My mum had a hairdressing salon and my school was rather close, so after school I d spend my time with kids playing and running around and in the evening I d retreat to her salon and than we would go home together.
I started to like it there but I did miss my old friend Djorge a lot.
Not long after that my mum met my stepdad. He was divorced with a son of my age called Dalibor (he is 7 months older than me). Our parents decided to live together and they choose to move close to my grand mum as eventually they were gonna build a house in that area and it would be nice to be close by. Dalibor, his son wanted to stay with his grand mum as she was living alone and he didn't want to change school.
Life for my parents was hard. They had kids, mum was working in a failing business and dad was working as an electrician. Eventually my granddad offered my mum a life line and bought her a new business in a better location with a better prospects of earnings and yes she finally had rosier future ahead of her. Things picked up a little, we moved again to a bigger place, started building our new house, we had more beach holidays and holidays in general and it was great.
Not long after my granddad died of a lung cancer. He was a heavy smoker, who was always on a go, workaholic and I don't think he ever had a holiday in his life! Just before his death when he was still well he bought me my first chocolate and sat down to have a little chat with me about things in life. I thought that was really cool and I got to know him a little better that day. He passed away in his mid 50s.
Than a dreaded war started sweeping across former Yugoslavia. We never though it would get to Sarajevo. It can happen in other parts but not there everyone used to say. Little did we know than !
It all started in 1992. The whole city over the course of a few weeks got cut off more or less from the world. For those who don't know much about geography, Sarajevo was surrounded by a near by hills and mountains where we all used to go skiing. So strategically it was easier to isolate it from the world. We even had an Olympic games there back in 1984 ! Not that I remember much of that.
So we were cut off from the world with whatever food we had left in our cupboards. People were breaking and stealing stuff from a supermarket shelves, breaking windows and stealing clothes etc etc. Soon it became a ghost city full of broken shop windows with nothing in it just people hiding in their own homes. There was a lot of daily shooting, snipers, bombs, grenades and everyone was fighting for their survival. Water was at the short supply, electricity would be in a short supplies as well and overall you d end up just worrying about staying alive and nothing else.
Early on we d spend a lot of time at my grand mums and my step granddad’s. They had two big houses so it was easier for them and us to stick together, especially now since the other house was not rented any longer and was empty. One day it was really quiet and there was no shooting. We stayed in, and played cards as there was no electricity no TV and this was something that was entertainment for a family. Suddenly bomb exploded on the street near by and I jumped from a floor to see where it was, silly of me in a way. My stepdad (he was more of the father to me than my real dad) got up to try to get me away from a window. As he reached out to grab the back of my shirt he got shot by the sniper. I guess if he stayed where he was without trying to save me he would have been shot in the head.
He fell on the floor, I screamed and mum rushed back from the kitchen to see him lying there. I thought he was dead. We turned him around and noticed he was very pale and I guess in the shock as well. Telephone lines were still working and we called an ambulance. However because of heavy shooting they couldn't reach us for the next 24 hours. That day / night was the longest one I can remember. We put some bandages on his injured and bullet punctured shoulder. I didn't know whether his lungs were affected or not but he had a very shallow breathing and was bleeding a lot. We put pressure and wrapped it as hard as we could. Luckily house was equipped with the first aid kit! We ran across from the house my grand parents were renting to the house where they were living next door in between shooting when it was quiet. We stayed there hiding in the small narrow corridor of the house as it was considered to be safer place until the next day. There was 5 of us there and we couldn't stretch properly. Every now and than we d check on my dad to see if he was breathing and if he s still alive. I cried initially but soon a fear of being shot or killed by those horrible bombs was far greater than my crying emotions. So my emotions got so frozen at the times
Finally next day they ve managed to get my dad checked out at the local hospital and they ve brought him home. He was well, in a lot of pain but he s alive at least. He couldn't use his right arm for some time after that and there was no physiotherapy prescribed as its was emergency life and death situation only that got treated.
War continued, food supply got less and less, winter started to set in with no heating and electricity was rationed. Amazingly phone lines were still working on and off though!
We were lucky that grandparents had a wood burning stow and some wood in the shed. It came in really handy but food supply was getting really low. An egg was such a luxury! My parents paid a neighbour huge amount of money probably around £100 for an egg so she could try and buy cigarettes if she could find them. So i had one egg in front of me and my parents bought it for me wow! I offered to share it but no one accepted it and i had it all to myself. I was only about 16 -17 yrs old than ! Money was totally worthless at that time but still we had some “ for rainy days “
So our daily routine was to try to avoid snipers, grenades, bombs and stay alive. We d go to get a water from a local supply as there was none in the house any longer but on a way if it started shooting you d learn to keep jumping over dead people on the street and look for a good hiding place.
So many times I was close to death …
Windows in most houses were long gone and now covered with a sheets of plastic and some nails to keep the room warm.
I should point out my favourite grand mums hiding place was in her wardrobe. If you cant find her anywhere else she d be hiding in there ! However no wardrobe in this world can save you should a grenade or a bomb come near you. It has a such an amazing force to destroy and shred everything in pieces. So it all depended on how lucky you were I guess. I lost so many friends, my best friend to a grenade and I ve lost my younger uncle too. He was only 22 when he lost his life.All of this was very hard to deal with both emotionally, physically and every kind of possible way. It was too much for anyone and you cant see an end to it all. That was the only reality I knew. I couldn't imagine living a normal life any longer.
So we lived in this surrounded place for 3yrs. We survived I guess thanks to the help form the outside world and generosity of people living elsewhere. We d get a little packets of food 1 per person per day / not always but you'd soon learn to ration it. However some people died not because they were shot but due to cold and starvation.
During war my mum noticed a swelling around her belly. She managed to see a doctor in the local hospital and they did ultrasound. She had a growth , doc couldn't tell what it might be but he said she needed to have surgery and she couldn't have it there. We didn't know if it was cancerous or not as they couldn't do biopsy all we knew is that she needed to have it removed and the sooner the better. I didn't want to loose my mum. Just the thought of it ….
So after 3 yrs my parents decided when there was a peace signing and when shooting eased off to try somehow to get out of the city. This was the only opportunity we had. We didn't believe in this peace signing, no one did really but it was an opportunity to escape. Grandparents stayed as they didn't want to go anywhere.
We arranged with dads work place to take us via “ safe route”. Safe route meant going under airport piste thru this long hand made tunnel ( just big enough for you to pass but not stand up, very claustrophobic) to get to the hills and than up the steep mountain for another 2 hours until you reach the top where bus was waiting for us. Now this “safe route “ cost my parents a lot of money and lot of connections just to get out of the town as my dad had a lot of connections at his work place. He was working for a big company and was head electrician and with very good rapport with his boss.
Safe only meant safe if you stick to exact route as they tell you. There were loads of ground bombs that can go off at any time if you decided to moved away from a small group of people we were leaving town with. It was very muddy, very tiring, and challenging at night with no lights just a moonlight !
We finally got to the top of the mountain and in the bus and slowly headed towards Croatian coast.
It was a long and bumpy journey. You re probably imagining a cool intercity bus with air conditioning ! but this wasn't it. This was small probably unserviced for years little city mini bus but to us it was a luxury !
We finally got to the coast with a very muddy shoes, clothes and very little to change into, just what you had in a small bag. That was all your life. We didn't have anything else apart from uncertainty and my mum’s tumour ! benign or cancerous we didn't know.
Not long after we got out we were transferred to London were my uncle and aunty lived . Finally my mum had her surgery as soon as we more or less got to London and that was a start of our new foreign life.
Life with no shooting and a lots of food ! and my mum had a big benign tumour removed which was such a relief to all of us but at the age of 40 she had lost her womb and both ovaries and was pushed into the lovely menopause world ! But that didn't matter as we were safe.
My english was not that great. I thought everyone in London spoke perfect English - well Ive learnt it was far from it !
It took me a while to adjust to it all and it took me ages to get rid of my nightmare dreams about the war. Even little bit of the loud noise would send shivers down my spine and fear of shooting was still real. Initially it helped going to psychologist. They ve given me a few tips on how to deal with it all and i soon concentrated on getting some education. So I started going to an evening english lessons and working during day.
I was working at the refreshment shop near St James’s park. I didn't have a time to go sightseeing or anything and all I knew was a route I had to take by tube to get to and from work.
There was an occasion when I got asked by one of the tourist where Big Ben was. I didn't have a clue ! One of the girls overheard me say I didn't know where it was, took me outside to the corner of the park and pointed at it as to say there it is ! It was funny and sad moment in my life. Work meant work there was no time for fun if i wanted to do something with my life! So I spent long days at work. However I did have a lot of fun with people I was working with and I met people from all over the world. My favourite one was the girl called Mar from Jamaica. She thought me a lot about everything.
Soon my big smile that I ve lost thru the war was coming back again :)
I ve managed to improve my english enough to start college. This is where I met my best friend Silvi. She was from Croatia and we spoke the same language. She was living in Germany and came to study in London. I was so happy to meet someone who spoke my language. She was so pretty and cool and we soon became the best friends.
I continued working over the weekends and sometimes evenings as well at the shop called La Sensa in Oxford street in London. The busiest street in the whole London. My grades were very good considering I was only more or less studying on a tube on a way to and from work and some evenings when I didn't go for my evening english lessons. My days were so busy and I hardly had any time for myself, hardly had a time to blink !
I wanted to go to uni but I didn't think I d get accepted. I never felt good enough for uni but I ve applied anyway. In my college ( dental technician college - where they teach you how to make false teeth for dental patients ) in my first year I was awarded a best student award and in my year 3 i was again awarded the best student award. However in my mind i never felt i deserved those awards and I always thought there were people far better than me that should have it. My parents were really proud of me and my achievements.
So I applied to uni to try and become a Dentist as I really didn't like working in a small laboratory and not meeting people. I was getting work experience in a popular Harley st in London ( its where all posh private doctors and dentists are working) with two Italians and most of the time they spoke their language so I felt very isolated. Some people loved it but I didn’t.
One day an envelope arrived from Manchester uni. I ve already had rejections from London and Cardiff uni and one other place and this was my only hope.
I ve opened the letter with hope and excitement and Yes i ve got an unconditional place in Manchester - wow. I thought they must have made a mistake but than i thought maybe they ve liked me. I was over the moon and suddenly all very grown up. My life had changed so much. I got to London In 1995 and in 1999 i ve got a place in Uni wow. I was over the moon, my dad was over the moon but my mum I guess was facing a life living apart from her daughter and she d rather I go for a regular job, get married and have family of my own and not go thru further stresses of uni but I wanted to make something out of my life, something good, something my family would be proud of. My older uncle was a veterinary surgeon living in the Canada and I knew he d be very proud of me when he finds out.
So in autumn of 1999 I started uni life. Its was great for me. I loved meeting people, socialising and I loved learning new things. However I found it extremely hard and even after all those years I d still have an occasional nightmare dream about the war, but there was less and less of them luckily. I also found it harder than most people as I had to translate medical terms to my language to understand what they are talking about and than learn it all in English. It wasn't easy. Luckily my good friend Omar who I met on my first day at the halls of residence and who happened to be two years ahead of me in Dentistry helped me out loads. Also I remember my friend Liz who was studying physiology helped me memorise things by using different coloured smarties ! I know red smarties were red blood cells, blue ones where neutrophils etc etc. So with a little bit of help from my dear friends I met along the way I did manage to get thru my Dentistry degree. I had a cancer scare around my exams once. A mole on my big toe started changing so I had to have a surgery and that was right around the time when everyone was preparing for exams ! That year I failed my exams but passed them all in the summer with a help from a friends and one very kind professor who I ve asked if he could help me with extra lessons. He was very kind to guide me thru my mistakes.
So in 2004 I ve graduated from uni and managed to get another award for my prosthetics work and £50 as well ! I never attended my graduation ceremony but instead I went with my parents on a well deserved holiday and it was fantastic. My BDS degree in my hands meant a lot more to me than some sort of graduation ceremony.
Things picked up for me from than on. I worked in different parts of UK trying to advance my career, bought a little house for myself in Cardiff near hospital where I was working and I was really happy, surrounded by some great friends who are still in my life very much so, and everything was going well until the day mum was diagnosed with Nodular melanoma of her wrist. She was lucky it was localised and excised with no problems. Thank goodness for that
Not long after I decided it would be nicer to live closer to my family and after number of interviews decided to head towards Oxford just an hour away from London. Perfect little place for me I thought …. and this unfortunately is where my cancer story begins at the age of 37 years old
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