July 2013 - Back pain and morphine injection

Following my over night stay in A&E department for my so called "sciatica" I decided to let the docs guide me. So I would follow their advice and exercise, like they said. I couldn't do exercises they ve asked me to do as my back pain was really bad at the times. So instead I did a lot of walking. I' d put my favourite music on and walk for at least an hour or so a day thru the pain.

In the beginning of July I had started to feel a little sickly and had some stomach pains. I ve blamed it on a cake I had a night before when I was out with two of my friends. I thought maybe it wasn't fresh and it upset my stomach a little. So the next day I stayed in bed wondering if it was the cake or possibly some kind of "virus" I might have picked up from somewhere. I lost my appetite slightly as well and nothing tasted as nice and delicious since than. 

I was by now supposed to go back to work but I couldn't  as things didn't feel right.  I didn't feel safe to treat people. So instead I would busy myself by going to random talks at universities (which by the way can be very interesting and are free as well, some of them at least!), I'd go out meet friends for coffees, also with my work colleagues, I' d go to the theatre and when the weather was good to an open theatre as well with my friends, BBQs, house parties etc. I thought to myself Im not gonna let the pain stop me from enjoying my life and learning new things. I wanted to try and live my life to the fullest, or should I say live and enjoy it as much as I could. However this was all happening thru the pain. But I d put the brave face on, go out with my friends and smile. I was very open about my troubles and they were understanding about my limitations as well.

By this time me and Rufus have decided to give it another try with our relationship and we talked about getting engaged and living together again. I honestly thought we ve learnt a lot by now about ourselves, about each other. I thought if we made a little changes we could make it work this time. After all universe keeps on bringing us together and into each other lives so maybe we should give it a try. So he d stay at my flat every now and than 

Than one night in bed just after midnight as I left my iPad on the side table I had an excruciating pain in my lower back. Rufus was next to me that night. It started all of the sudden. I couldn't find comfortable position this time at all. Even a sight movement would bring yet another wave of excruciating pain. I said to Rufus I needed to go to the hospital again. However after my recent hospital trip he thought it wasn't necessary and it was just a nerve again. Also he had work the next day and had seen it as possible another wasted trip at A&E. 

I said I couldn't bear the pain any longer and I needed to do something. I was already using strong medications / opiates and nothing helped. Thru the tears I said I needed to call on call GMP doctor at least.  So I did. I am still not sure how they ve managed to understand me thru my tears and excruciating pain. I ve given them my address and about an hour later very nice doc came around. He gave me morphine injection and Ive managed to settle down a little. I could hardly move and didn't want to move in case I trigger another wave of pain. On call doctor said something about contacting GMP surgery in the morning but I'm not sure if I got any of that at the time ! Hopefully Rufus will know what to do I thought to myself.

So the next day pain was there but sort of manageable. Rufus didn't go to work as he needed to get medications for me. So he stayed, did a little bit of shopping and cooked that day. 

I found it difficult to get out of bed at all. The thought of walking to the loo and back was terrifying me at the times.  I ve not mention my night of turbulence to my mum as I didn't want her to worry about it. 

Next to my bed I had a magazine that I started reading a few weeks ago and never finished it. I found another breast cancer story in there and I thought it would be too distressful to read so I didn't. However this time as I was almost bed bound for two days I decided to find out what it was all about. 

The story was about a young journalist who had a breast cancer like me. The one with "good prognosis"! After her treatment she returned back to work but started getting "sciatica" pain like me. Later on she was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. She had written a blog called Written Off about her illness. Sadly she passed away in 2012. As I was reading a magazine story written by her boyfriend  tears were streaming down my face. I was crying as it was a sad story but also I was crying thinking this is me. Im stage IV as well now ! We were going thru the same symptoms. I threw away a magazine on the floor, turned to the other side of my bed and cried. 

Later when I settled down I ve read some of her blog.

Her blog address was in the article. 

http://writtenoff.net

 I didn't immediately tell Rufus about this as I was afraid. I was afraid that if I was diagnosed with stage iv cancer ( terminal, end stage)  that would be it. Our relationship would not survive that kind of cancer journey. 

Few days later I did send him a blog link to his work email. I couldn't keep it to myself. 

I have spoken about those fears with my friend Patrick. He s battling with his own medical problems and I felt he could understand some of those things. I was so lucky that my friends were always just a phone call away and always there to listen to my worries and fears. 

I mean yes I could talk to Rufus about the things as well but I was always afraid of scaring him away. I loved him and I wanted to be with him. If he knew my deepest fears would he still want to be with me. Am I gonna overload him with my medical problems as they keep on constantly happening. So some of the time Id simply want to enjoy my time with him, watch a movie or talk about something lighter in life. 

Earlier on just before this episode of back pain I ve done some research and found brilliant private spinal consultant and I booked myself for consultation to see him. I still needed referral from my GMP and I requested if they could fax it over to him. So my appointment was fast approaching now. It not long, only until 22nd July !

These charts I found really useful as well. Its about a pain pathways and functions of spinal nerves