The day before christmas was not very pleasant one. I ended up in the hospital due to high temperature 38C. When I arrived I felt very weak and the thought of more needles made me cringe but they had to take my peripheral bloods to check for infections. One of the docs who came to see me mentioned there is a possibility that I might need to stay in the hospital for a few days. So combination of weakness of my body, possible neutropenia (condition that may become life-threatening and deadly) and the fact that I came alone to the hospital made me cry. They ve asked if they could call someone for me. So I called Rufus to let him know what was happening. Straight after his hair cut he came to the hospital. I was so happy to see him. I needed familiar face around me and he came he was there for me.
This is a link about neutropenia, potentially condition may become life-threatening and deadly:
New years eve was a little sad for me but I ve decided not to cry and concentrate on a good bits in life.
On a new years eve we were invited to Rufus’s friend house party. I wasn't in the mood to go anywhere really and preferred to stay in, watch some good old comedy sketches and cuddle up with Rufus. However he was in two minds as what to do, stay with me or go to this party. I said he s welcome to go but huge part of me didn't want to be alone by myself, going thru this cancer and lonely on a new years eve. Big part of me was constantly thinking why do I feel like he's running away from me ? is he bored of me? I used to think now that I have cancer Im no longer good enough?!
Not long ago we had a discussion about the things between us. We talked about how to deal with this situation the best way. I mean I loved him very much but I couldn't help but feel that he s constantly finding excuses to be away from me, whether thats dancing or socialising with people or visiting friends etc etc. I couldn't help but feel that I was a chore to him, I was someone he HAD to talk to, someone he HAD to be with so we sat down and had a chat. I told him how i felt in possibly angry and tearful way, told him what hurt me the most about his behaviour, etc etc.Than he came up with a solution that I didn't want to hear and suggested that maybe he should leave me to it finish my treatment and when I do we can consider restarting our relationship
That day I did ask him to leave my flat and never come back. In my anger and thru shouting I packed his bags and asked him to go. As usual than id cry and he would calm me down and say that he doesn't want to leave me, he couldn't and things would go back to “normal”.
I mean i knew I could not ask him to stay, I had no right but would have much preferred if he said to me “ Im sorry Dani, I finding this a lot harder to deal with than I thought I would, please forgive me for doing this but i d like to end our relationship” I d feel his pain and suffering and Id let him go but instead we were constantly arguing and being unhappy. I was unhappy because this person im in love with and think the world of him keeps wanting to run away from me because Im no longer good enough and i assume he was unhappy because he no longer had a healthy fun girlfriend but instead he had a cancer girl with no hair and with one breast because of which he seemed to be missing out on everything in life now. His life is no longer sex and rock and roll. His life is grim and dark and too real to deal with it….
So that new years eve even though he stayed with me, he seemed so distant and misplaced, present physically but not in any other kind of way.
Having someone with cancer around you is not easy. It requires a lot of patients, effort. I guess most cancer sufferers think they are priority in all of that and sometimes may forget that other people close to them need to live a little.
I guess I had of lot of insecurities about my looks. I often thought about the reasons why he s with me when there are other girls out there, normal girls that will offer him things that I can't offer. I just couldn't understand it any longer. Would he feel guilty if he walked away? Is that something thats stopping him from walking away?
I felt he had doubts about our relationship from the start and cancer just made it worse I guess. I never felt I was number one and I desperately wanted to be that in his life as I was in love with him. I guess it didn't help seeing his email that he sent to his ex girlfriend saying that he missed her every day. I know you think Im an awful person for reading his emails. One day he forgot to log out of his email on my computer and I could see he has written to her. Part of me didn't want to read it as its invasion of his privacy but I felt I had to see it to find out whats going on in his life. I know many of you will not approve what I did but I needed to know.
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