Not Feeling Great ...

I finally got my new wheels !

I wasnt excited at all when they ve delivered it. The reality of whats happening to me is drowning me way too fast. I know if i want to see a little bit of the outside world I d have to use this chair whether I like it or not and I really don't like it !  The guy came around explained how to use it and left. I was reluctant to sit into my new chair but I had to try it.  The nurse came to visit and I mentioned I was happy to have my new chair but it would be good to have oxygen cylinder space. She said she ll inquire into it and will try to provide me with electric chair so its easier for my parents too.

Also I bought this little gadget to check my oxygen saturation levels

Its a great little thing to have. However in my situation it keeps on telling me that I can't really live without oxygen !

The same night, yesterday night I was so excited to talk to my friend Silvi in Germany. We ve not seen each other for a while but do talk over the phone regularly. I was so happy to talk to her and I'm really looking forward to seeing her. She s coming at the end of october, fingers crossed I m still alive to see her.
While talking to her I felt incredibly sickly... I said silvi Im gonna have to go and rushed to the bathroom. I needed to vomit so much but nothing was coming out.
The next few hours I spent on the bathroom floor and when I finally got to my bed I desperately needed to vomit. I felt so sick and in pain, my head was hurting so much, my liver felt like its gone into spasm, I felt weak and trembling. Mum was quick and got me a vomiting bag.
Few minutes later Ive tried to get myself again to the loo to vomit some more.

My mum dad and our family friend Amara ( the psychologist who is very kind to leave her work and spend time with us when we need her the most. she and her whole family are the most generous people Ive ever seen) were all there to see an awful and not very pleasant situation.

So I was on the bathroom floor and couldn't get up. I was so worn out and exhausted physically. My dad kindly picked me up and helped me back to my bed. As he was doing that I had a little tear in my eye. I couldn't ever cry properly as I was so exhausted. I thought to myself, no parent should go thru what my parents are going thru.
This is such a difficult situation to be in, to see your child disintegrate slowly, loose their independence at the best age of their life and to be on the bathroom floor unable to get up as cancer is starting to slowly take its toll. There were moments last night when I honestly thought Id die and probably would not see another day. I felt dizzy and in terrible under the rib pain but mostly my head was hurting so much. .. is this what dying feels like I kept on thinking to myself.
As my dad said when you re healthy its hard to imagine what it must be like for an ill person. Its almost impossible to put yourself in their situation unless something happens to you too
I really agree with him on this

Amara stayed with us until I settled and went to bed. I ll be ever so grateful to her for being there for me and my parents. She even missed her holiday as she wanted to spend the time supporting us while I was at the hospital and at home now

My little dog Freddie spent to whole night watching over me as well

I found him by my bed this morning...