Me and Rufus discussed IVF treatment further. By now I had funding approved by local NHS board. It was nice to get something back as I worked for NHS (National health services ). Now there were doing something great for me. I really appreciated it.
I felt enormous pressure, emotional pressure, pain, all this felt so suffocating and I would do anything to escape from it. Im sure Rufus felt the same and I presume he needed at the times to run away from it all even if its for a little while, like go out with friends, go dancing, talk to people, etc etc.
This fertility treatment raised a lot of issues like if we did have a kids how would it work? would we live as a family? if we were to separate how would that work out? issues about child care cost if we separated etc etc. I think we both had a second thoughts propping up which I guess was fairly normal at the times like this. I can assume it was not easy for him being with someone with such an uncertain future.
I felt that he was not ready for all of this and I kept looking for constant reassurances. I guess at the times I d get angry, shout at him and ask him to give me some guarantees. That he could not do. No one can give you any guarantees in life at all I knew that very well.
I discussed option of possibly splitting embryos and using half anonymous donner to make it easier for both of us. In the contract it clearly stated that both of us needed to give our consent if I or we decided to have a child together. What would happen if I decided later on to have kids and he said no to it. After all i read about a lot of cases when partners didn't agree and I knew this was my last chance ever to have a kids before chemo destroys my ovaries completely.
So because of those uncertainties Ive noticed in both of us I decided to go and see IVF counsellor. I ve asked Rufus to come with me as well so we could express both our fears. Not sure how useful that session actually was but we ve come to agreement that we d create our embryos only and he d never stop me from using them no matter what. I trusted him on that and we proceded with IVF.
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