Ultrasound + long needle biopsy was done on 11 oct 2011. Whilst I was lying on the table they did ultrasound first. As screen was turned in my direction and I could see everything that was being done. I immediately knew something was wrong and cancer was the first thing that crossed my mind due to the disorganised shape of this lump in my right breast. They did biopsy under local anaesthetic. They ve taken 6 samples in total as there was another lump I knew nothing about close to my chest wall. Ive managed to keep calm mainly because Ive imagined it was happening to someone else and not me !
After everything was done I ve asked in very calm and composed voice if that was a cancer. They politely took me to a consultation room and said I ll have to discuss it with my consultant. I knew from that moment I had breast cancer. I don't know how but in very composed manner I ve managed to drive myself home ( less than 10 mins from the hospital) got to my flat and called Rufus at work as he asked me to let him know.
All I managed to say is " I've got big C" and burst into tears. Rufus replied " ah shit" and asked me if I was sure. I told him I was not given official diagnosis but I knew.
Now I met Rufus on 13 August 2010 when I moved to Oxford for my new job. His relationship ended and we got to be really good friends initially. Relationship slowly developed with emotional ups and downs and we moved in together in my flat in late August 2011. It made sense to me as he was spending most of his time in my flat anyway. He kept his flat empty and not rented.
When i came back home i cried, i was lost and scared. I told my mum it was just a cyst and they ll remove it but I still don't know when. I didn't want her to worry about me as she s been thru so much. I ll be getting an appointment thru the post I said. When i finished conversation with her i burst down in tears. Nothing could disrupt my thoughts and all i can think of is cancer. Straight away I rushed online to look for breast cancer info as I knew very little about it.
That evening I sat down on a sofa with Rufus and explained that I ll probably have a long treatment ahead of me and its gonna be a long rocky road.
I said to him that I know we ve not been in relationship that long. Only about 7 months now since we went official, 11 since we first had sex and 14 months since we first met.
I know thats not a long time to be with someone but i was now diagnosed with this nasty disease and I ll understand if he wants to walk away. There will be no hard feelings left. He said he wanted to stay and go thru this with me. I was happy to hear that and thought at least it will not be a lonely journey thru this nasty treatment and I thought this would be the thing that binds us forever. If we could do cancer journey we will be able to do anything together. However I was scared, scared for my life but I was happy I had someone so understanding next to me, at least thats what I thought.
I went for a short walk the next day in my local park and tears were just streaming down my face. I didn't even try to hide it. I didn't care if anyone was looking or not. I couldn't talk to anyone at all about it and didn't want to at first. I didn't want to talk to people unless i had to. I just continued to cry ….
I kept on saying to myself maybe its not cancer maybe they ll tell me something different when I go for my appointment. I lived in hope....
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