.....More Pain

So I was talking about the pain I've been having the other night and never finished the story really. Well , I can tell you now that's because I was in so much pain, and had a really rough night.
Pain was not settling down and they kept increasing my morphine. However, you should never have morphine on empty stomach ! I could not eat and could only drink water and that's about it. In the middle of night I was desperate for a loo but couldn't move. My lovely nurse knew I couldn't move, never mind get up to use commode ( one of those portable loos) so she brought this bed bowl. She gently wiggled me thru my pain onto it. I felt like a motionless body plonked on this cardboard made up portable loo and left me to do my things. So I was lying on it and half  hour later she comes back and I felt like I ve wasted her time. It's like you have to pee under pressure and in this awkward position. If by any chance somone told you it was easy, I ll tell you now they are lying to you ! So we decided to abandon this plan and go to plan B instead. She ll bring commode but before she does that she offered more morphine to me as she could see how much pain movements were causing me. Morphine was an oral liquid morphine which of course gets absorbed by the body much quicker than tablets so we didn't have to wait for long for it to kick in. She helped me up slowly thru some pain and as soon as I managed to get to it I felt at ease that I ve been to the loo. It's like when you re desperate to use a loo and you can't as you re stuck on a motorway ! I tell you it felt great
As she was helping me get off I felt extremely dizzy, like everything was spinning around me at the fast rate and I felt very sickly. All I managed to say was " I'm gonna be really sick" she ran to get me a vomiting bowl. My vomit was brewing and when she got me a sick bowl I started vomiting straight away. It's was just liquid and nothing else. As soon as she left room I vomited again in another bowl from a selection of four she brought for me. I knew it was all because I've not eaten anything at all and explained this to her. She went and brought me fortisip ( nutritional drink) in a hope that may help. However, this only made situation worse and I was sick again. Poor nurse, having to deal with all that stuff !
Just as I settled for the night, I started running a high temperature again. My liver or shall a say part of it felt like it was on fire ! So they ve got emergency doc to prescribe IV antibiotics to me. Obviously, due to my fever I was hallucinating slightly. There is a wall tv that was just above my head. I was drifting in and out of the sleep I had sort of a partial dreams. I've been dreaming about dying and my friend Tesni was saying to me in a dream, whatever you do don't go towards the white light ( as to say don't die yet) . Of course with fever and everything that was going on it didn't click to me that the "white light" was actually tv screan above my  head and it was on and had some very  bright images !  I finially settled in the early hours of the morning curled up to my vomiting bowl.  In the morning  I noticed tv was on  and started laughing !
So I felt  little bit better the next day but very sleepy !  Next day I ve heard from my trial people. My lovely trial doc reasurrred me and had a long chat with me which I appreciated so much. So I could have all the pain killers but no steroids ( even thought they d probably work the wonder in reducing my liver swelling ) and no warfarin. Of course I want to stay in this trial but it's difficult when you have to decide yourself what's best for you. On one hand you want to pain to go away as my liver was still hurting ( you re also wandering if pain is ever gonna stop without steroids or you die and pain definitely stops!)  and on the other hand if I took steroids, id  be kicked off the trial and my options would be totally limited than ( chemo , maybe one other that I could try and it will more likely kill me  as my body is so knackered ).  Oh how I wish I was choosing t shirt or something instead and couldn't make up my mind which colour to go for ..huh ....how I wish that was happening.

So the the to evening I got transferred to my local hospital and it was like being back home. ! I was seeing familiar faces in familiar surrounding but most importantly I knew my doctors there
One of the nurses couldn't recognise me straight away. With me at the moment they can't do bloods or blood pressure from by right arm due to the risk of lymphodema ( arm swelling ) and they can't do blood pressure from my left arm because of my picc line ( blood port).  so when they were taking blood pressure from my leg she happened to be near by and she shouted " Of course I remember you now".
It's funny what people remember !

My blood results