Back To Normality With Big Belly

I ve managed to stay 6 days in the hospital. I was on IV antibiotics. They on the other hand caused my diarrhoea. Ceph antibiotic is known for this so I had to stay in isolation room for my last 2 days as not to transfer potential stomach bugs to other patients which of course would not be nice. My results turned negative for bacteria at the end. However, initially it was nice having a room to myself as I can play music loud rather than listen to it via my headphones, I can talk on my mobile without disturbing others and have visitors up until 10 pm which again was great but I missed as I call it "people watching" in the ward. Its more fun on the ward,. You get to talk to patients and nurses etc etc while in isolation everyone was fearful going in the room as they thought they might "catch" something.
My lovely friend Becky came to see me and brought me some wonderful cakes. My good old friend Sundip came and we had a good old catch up which was really great, my friend Omar brought me some wonderful presents including this cute little thing that i had to show you

Isn't it cute - this little supermarket basket :-]

Than last but not least my friend Deesha came to see me and we had a good and meaningful discussion about life and what life might be all about, which was really amazing. 

Im glad I had my lovely friends who came to visit when I started feeling better as my time in the hospital just passed so quickly. They kept me sane as well. Nights were difficult as my stomach got bigger { I felt like a 9 months pregnant woman!} and became very uncomfortable. My level of irritation and frustration increased in the last few days of my hospital stay. I felt so angry with myself and for having to deal with this stupid illness. I just thought to myself how much can one person take! This is too much for me to deal with and is this ever gonna stop. Will I ever be able to return to some normality and have a little break from cancer. Will it ever go in remission ? I think I knew an answer to that question for some time now but I'm trying to be ignorant. I look on the ward people's suffering and I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for me too. Why do I have to endure this? why can't I have a normal care free life? I keep on going to the past and asking myself if I ve done something really bad in my life to deserve this illness thats following me all the time and will eventually kill me. 

Funny enough I never ask why me like most people do as I think well shit happens in life and i seem to be one of those "lucky ones".

Im fearful of what will happened next ? is this a flare up effect they were talking about with this immunotherapy? Is all this supposed to get worse before it gets better and will it ever get better in my case ? Or am I failing and slowly disintegrating. Starting with big belly, hepatitis, liver failure and death...all I know is that I don't want to die yet. I still have plenty of things to sort out, I still have my funeral to plan, events Id like to attend and enjoy life for a little long.  I feel like I didn't know how to treasure life when I was healthy but now being so close to death Ive learnt  how to enjoy it for what it is and what it has to offer and I appreciate all the wonderful things and people around me.

Anyway, my diagnosis was swollen liver, spleen and ascites {water accumulation in the tummy}. 

No one told me how painful this water accumulation can really be!

 I m still on very strong pain killers, oxicodone {sort of like synthetic morphine} and antibiotics in hope that all of this settles down soon. 

This is my ultrasound report which doesn't seem to be that different from my old one really:

My new ultrasound report 

My old ultrasound report 

So Im finally out of the hospital but my big belly seems bigger than ever!

First day back home felt great. I was back to my comfy bed, familiar surrounding, seen my lovely little dog Freddie and have my own home comforts around me which is fantastic, but I felt really weak. I managed to push myself to go for a little walk with my mum and buy bigger size t-shirt so Ive got something to wear as nothing seems to fit this big belly now ! Those are the pics of my very swollen, liquid filled belly and no Im not pregnant !

It feels hard, distended and very swollen

Little blue spots on my belly are injections site.

I had to have anti clotting injections each day

Today my lovely friend Susan came to visit and we had a fantastic day vegetating. We had so much fun trying our lovely veggy hats :-]

So tonight Im really struggling with this extra water and huge belly. Im contemplating whether to have a glass of water or not. If I do Im more likely to struggle with pain due to further extension of my belly, breathlessness { as my belly is pressing against my diaphragm/ lungs} and hot flushes. 

It all comes at once, right?

Despite of all of this Im still trying to carry on with my life while I still can, even thru the pain and symptoms as I know there will come a day when I won't be able to do those lovely and fun things in life. I don't know when that day will come but for now Im very grateful each time I leave hospital walking home.