While I was there I had some pain around my liver, slightly more than usual but ok. Our second day involved boat ride, very little walking and tour bus. I wanted to see some historical sites but couldn't walk much. So we chose a bus tour. Listening a bit of history and lovely Le Paris songs was great and very nostalgic. On this lovely bus tour I could feel some warm wind on my face. I d close my eyes for a moment and let my amazing happy things flow thru my head. Music was happy and it made me very happy too. It was truly amazing experience. We laughed a lot aong the way about some silly things. We shared the same bedroom and would wake up at the early hours of the morning talking about funny things in life. It was truly amazing to see my mum laugh so much. We totally and completely 100% enjoyed it. The morning we were leaving I felt so unwell. I couldn't get out of the bed due to the pain around the liver and I felt like I've not slept for ages, even thought all together we had about 8-9 hrs of sleep. I got slightly worried if id be able to get out of the hotel never mind make it to Eurostar by taxi. I didn't want to say much to mum as I know she d be really worried . So I had couple of painkillers and pushed thru the pain (my usual kind of daily life!) . After 2.20 mins train ride I couldn't be happier to see UK ! Managed to drag myself to dad's car and as soon as we got to my parents place I fell asleep. My pain at this point seem to be better lying down rather than sitting or standing. By the evening I developed temp of 38.5C and had to go to A &E on advice of my clinical trial doctors. I spent most night at A&E until they got bed available. Pain was there definitely and it was constant but I could still move around. I must admit I'm not very good at being bed bound. Than in the afternoon my cancer got all it's weapons out and starting giving me so much pain ! At this point I got to the bed, got myself down and couldn't move any longer. Even a tiny little movement would cause excruciating pain. I had regular painkillers but that wouldn't even tickle the pain never mind treduce it. Than morphine came around ! I had so much of it but no food as I feel further discomfort and pain when eating.
By 9 pm I was totally bed bound not even able to turn my body even slightly due to the pain. Pain was still there even thru regular morphine increase . With my arms I had limited movements too but no stretching ! So here I was in the familiar ground yet again but this time possibly even worse. My liver function tests apparently came very abnormally high, my liver is so swollen that even a slight movement was making it worse despite of "good guns" morphine and pain killers. My liver is so swollen and inflamed that lying down was excruciating hard. I started to cry and couldn't stop. I don't mean to be tragic or anything but this felt and sounded really bad. I ve lost my movements due to terrible pain. I cried and cried a lot due to the thoughts if this could be it finially, after all the suffering and struggle? I d much much happier if I just dropped dead literary. However, I could see this only as a bed wetting, nurses cleaning me and turning lifeless body around, loosing my freedom to walk, etc etc. I appreciated ability to walk everyday so far and I'm grateful to. god or whatever it is up there for keeping me alive and helping thru the number of hurdles I had so far.
I've cried a lot that my cheeks and eyes were so red. Nurses kept on poping in and out to check on me , but their sympathy made me cry even more. At the times like these social media, Facebook, texts, calls, etc tend to help but not tonight ! Nothing was helping, probably due to variety of things that kept on creeping up thru my head. My friends are great at reassuring me and helping me get thru yet another hurdle. I can just hope I was a good friends to everyone as that's one thing that would make me amazingly happy
More on my disturbing night tomorrow ....
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