Today I feel very angry with my body again as it keeps letting me down ! How strong is my cancer that nothing would even touch it !
I had such a wonderful time seeing some of my good old friends. From trying fun veggy hats with Susan on saturday to a lovely meal cooked by my dear friend Jose for 4 of us on sunday. By the way chicken was delicious Jose, I really enjoyed it and Im sure my friends would agree as well. Also thank you for my lovely gifts Jose, Kate, Mayank, and Paula. I appreciate it very much but Id rather just have you all come over for just a lovely cup of tea and a chat.
This was a really nice surprise. Just what I need at the moment. Something I don't have to think about but will keep me busy for hours
This morning I was supposed to have "water accumulation" drained from my belly. So my mum came along with me to keep me company. Nurse who once placed the picc line (blood port) on my left arm was doing water drainage as well. She is a lovely lady from wales, only pregnant now and with a big belly. So we laughed a bit and compared the size of our bellies. Soon after our little catch up chat she brought "the beast" - an ultrasound machine
After setting it all up she placed a little gel on ultrasound machine handle and scanned my stomach. We could both see a little bit of the water accumulation on my left side, however right size showed nothing more then huge liver with a lot of cancer in it. She triple checked everything and decided that there was not too much water that can be drained and decided to abandon the procedure.
I requested if I could have a chat with prof's registrar about my further treatment plan as my belly is getting bigger and is giving me a lot of unpleasant symptoms like the feeling I will pop / explode like a bomb and that I can't literarily breathe by the evening. So following a few bleeps, my lovely lady registrar managed to squeeze me in to her very busy clinic for a chat.
She said I ll have to be admitted, have staging scans done (see what cancer is doing), start steroids and chemo. My head started to spin with all this info. So I ve been taken off the trial I asked and she said yes as we need to get liver swelling down. It was like a stubbing with a sharp knife in the stomach ! I nearly burst out crying in her office but managed to stop myself. This trial was my only hope of possibly resetting my immune system and giving me slightly better quality of life with possible reduction of the cancer. Instead I now have to undergo horrific chemo side effects, suppress my immune system even further, worry about bugs, viruses, bacterias etc that could get me hospitalised again, beat and destroy my body even further and plus loose my hair ! and for what ? For a possible slight chance that my life will be extended by days, months ??? I really feel angry with my body and with myself. Ive asked about other options than chemo ... and hormonal treatment would take 3 months to work if it works so thats not the most reasonable option in my case ... anyway I feel like I can't surrounded just yet. I ve got to at least try ....
I knew what she was saying was reasonable and yes I knew steroids can only help me in this situation but I wanted so much for my clinical trial drug to work. I was desperate for it to work but my body let me down yet again and I felt extremely angry with it.
Soon after that I ve spoken to my lovely clinical trial lady and she agreed with the treatment. Yes it was priority now to get my swelling and pain under control. She agreed with everything apart from chemo but if prof approved it then thats fine she said. I thanked her for time to talk to me and we decided its best if she s kept in the loop as well with my current treatments.
Mum cried a bit after hearing all the news and I nearly did too ! Dad came over and after hearing news he had tears in his eyes but stopped himself from falling apart in from of us. Soon our dog Freddie became distraction to us all. I have to keep strong. I ve got to be strong for my poor parents
So now Im home waiting for the bed to become available for yet another lengthy stay in the hospital
......
The pic from my recent hospital stay just few days back
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