March has been a little bit better month for me. I felt a lot happier as my situation (after being discharged) started improving a little. By improving I mean getting out of the bed, walking and feeling a tiny bit of the sunshine on my face during those initially very short walks.
For now Im living in a hope. In Hope that some good treatment will come my way and "cure me" of this horrible illness but also I m trying to be ok with dying too. I don't like it and would love to live for another at least 30-40 years but I know thats hardly gonna be possible with my terminal prognosis. I have to be realistic a little I guess.
So as I said I'm trying to be ok with dying but what Im struggling to accept is that perhaps one day when cancer takes its toll and no medication helps I might end up in a wheelchair, unable to walk. I know there are plenty of wheelchair users out there and I really admire them and their strenght. However, for some reason I have the real fear of those wheelchairs. Its something I can't explain really. I feel like I'm ok while I can walk, I have a little bit independence, I can enjoy my walks around the river and be with my own thoughts and its great. I kind of enjoy my own company at the times, not always though! Than I think if I was to end up in the wheelchair I would loose that. I love standing on my own two feet and feeling the ground Im walking on. So not sure if my fear is unreasonable or not but I feel Ive got enough on my plate with this cancer as it is .... when a day comes for me to go I d like it to be in my fairly mobile state if possible and with least amount of suffering...
Than my other fear is my parents. My parents have been so good to me and my mum has done an amazing job of looking after me whilst I was under chemo and unwell. She s so amazing that at the times I don't even have to lift my finger while I'm going thru this horrendous treatment. Any time day or night if I need anything my mum would go miles to provide me with whatever it is that I need. I do worry about her a lot. I worry how will she cope with her only child's death, I worry who will look after her or my dad when they fall ill. I know they ll have each other at first but when one of them dies how will the other cope? I do wish for them not to suffer. I fear my mum will be so heart broken when I go that she will neglect looking after herself. I really wish when I go that they ll find some comfort in each other and our little dog Freddie and that they will not suffer much.
Today on 13th March,me and my mum tried to go for a walk but fog and coldness brought us back to the big and specious shopping centre ! Ah dear, what a shame we thought and giggled. Even if I do have terminal illness I do like to dress nicely and wear comfortable clothes. However, most of the time I still look very scruffy ! We didn't buy anything that day but had a nice relaxing tea (since Im denying myself of coffee because of my liver) and we watched the world go by.
In March I also managed to meet up with two of my very good friends Tesni, Becky and meet little Sophie as well. What a cute and happy child she is. Mostly, when I was with them it felt like a good old happy times but at the back of my head I kept thinking how many times we will have an opportunity to meet like this before Im gone forever? I don't want to think about the death and Im desperately trying to push those thoughts as far from me as possible but somehow they always creep up on me and can be very unsettling at the times.
My close friends from all over the country travel to see me, they make me forget even if for a moment that I have this terrible illness and I m ever so grateful to them. Most try to say funny things to cheer me up like my friend Malcolm who sat at my computer desk, chose the happiest songs he could find and started singing out loud and completely out of tune. We laughed so much that my tummy started to ache a little. We had really great time, two people with no worries in this world. Thats how it felt.. but since spending time in the hospital at the end of february I still have a lots of aches and pains. My right side around my liver aches, I have aches around my ribs on the same side, My lower spine feels like I have a golf ball permanently stuck in there and can't yet bend my spine forward/downwards and upper chest feels tight, almost like I have a really tight bra on 24 /7.
Despite of my aches and pains Im still trying to push with my daily life. Im still trying to walk as much as I can. Im still trying to enjoy little things in life like go around London looking for quirky little things on the secrets of London that my friend Omar has sent me. So generally Im happy and grateful Im still alive ....
My close friends from all over the country travel to see me, they make me forget even if for a moment that I have this terrible illness and I m ever so grateful to them. Most try to say funny things to cheer me up like my friend Malcolm who sat at my computer desk, chose the happiest songs he could find and started singing out loud and completely out of tune. We laughed so much that my tummy started to ache a little. We had really great time, two people with no worries in this world. Thats how it felt.. but since spending time in the hospital at the end of february I still have a lots of aches and pains. My right side around my liver aches, I have aches around my ribs on the same side, My lower spine feels like I have a golf ball permanently stuck in there and can't yet bend my spine forward/downwards and upper chest feels tight, almost like I have a really tight bra on 24 /7.
Despite of my aches and pains Im still trying to push with my daily life. Im still trying to walk as much as I can. Im still trying to enjoy little things in life like go around London looking for quirky little things on the secrets of London that my friend Omar has sent me. So generally Im happy and grateful Im still alive ....
Me monkeying around
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