I wonder what would have happened if my life didn't change and stayed stationary for the past 5 years ( years before my cancer )
Yes I d probably moan and complain but wouldn't have to deal with cancer at least ! However, other people live normal lives, they go thru normal changes. People should treasure those changes. Yes you will get a little bump on the road every now and then but if the times of changes are rather good that treasure them, enjoy them, don't try subconsciously find the way to destroy them. Enjoy and be content with what you have, don't look for bigger or better. We are all flawed. We are humans and we make mistakes.
Enjoy the simple life as that's the greatest life ever.
Generally, us humans we like to hear the good, positive news. Whether that's engagement, great holiday that someone had, etc etc. I feel people don't generally like bad news.
Some people pretend that bad news are not happening around them as they are happy and they don't want bad news to ruin their happiness while with others it helps them put their life into prospective. Some simply don't know how to react to them.
So mainly we all want to surround ourselves with good news, happy people and happy environment. We re all chasing that invisible happiness in whatever shape or form that might come and we craving to be loved by someone.
I want to be loved by someone as well. I know my parents love me, my dog loves to see me but that's not the kind of love I'm talking about. I m talking about movies like, romantic kind of love.
I want to feel cuddles in my empty bed at night. Nights are long and scary at the times. I need to feel the person breathe next to me, hearing their breathing makes me feel Alive
I want to feel loved and experience things that other people do.
My friends recently announced their engagement. I was truly happy for them. Happy that I'm sharing that moment of their joy even if it's thru Facebook newsfeed ! I started crying. Not because I was jealous or envy them but I started crying thinking that I ll never get to experience some of the normal, simple, the most natural things people go thru in their lives.
I ll never know what it's like to have a kids of your own, what it's like to be cheeky grandmum, I ll never know what it's like to be old, I ll never know any of those things.
Due to the war back home where I lived I've lost few precious years of my youth, I was late starting uni, I guess I was late starting life.
We all want to climb up this security ladder before we do the things that we really want to do and then it's often too late.... Sometimes you can't have all your eggs in the basket....you ve got to take that risk and live the life that makes you happy.
I have plenty of friends who enjoy living on their own, enjoy their lives as they are but I guess I'm one of those who thru my terminal illness at the times will be longing for the life I lost, life partially experienced and life I ll never have.
You can say I'm lucky I've managed to experience a lot in my life so far and should be grateful. There are teenagers out there dying of cancer young and not experiencing 1/4 of the things I did and it's sad, very sad
However this is my life and those are my longings and wants and needs
There are days when I wish I can get drunk to perhaps numb my emotional and even physical pains but I know I can't. I can't do that knowingly to my dear family. I can't numb the pain, emotional pain nor physical. Painkillers have stopped working for me so the choice is to live thru the pain or go on much stronger meds with sometimes poorer quality of life due to side effects
Since my diagnosis I ve never felt like myself
There are constant changes, there is a constant need to adopt to your new life , new pains, new doctors, new surrounding. I don't want that change now. I want things to stay as they are for once. I just hope that my cancer would stay the same if I did and not change, not spread.
With this cancer almost every day I feel like a 40 year old trapped in the body of the 80 year old. I don’t know what its like be an 80 year old and I will never get a chance to find out. My cancer is incurable, aggressive and has taken a hostage of about 1/3 of my body.
People tell me I look great but I never feel that great myself. I have too many aches and pains and so many scars both physical and emotional. My body has been battered, crashed and destroyed in all possible ways.
I don’t see the way out of this rut. I don’t see a positive way. I feel the only way out is to surrender and let the cancer win. But how could I ? How can I do that to my loved ones ?
Once this dark illness enter your life it stays with you. It's never too far away.
The only way to live thru it is to be pragmatic as my friend said, get on with it and enjoy a little bit of happiness that comes your way every now and then ...
My Friend Juliet sending me some colour into my life
Thank you my dear friend
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