Something Little About Cancer ...

Im having never ending problem with my picc line. My nurse came to change my dressing. So we got all the essential stuff ready as usual...

As my dressing was being changed Ive noticed that I could see more of my picc line. Purple line  thats visible suddenly became more visible. Ive asked the nurse if after disinfection of the site I could just simply push the picc line back into my vein and she advised me against it. So I needed to get in touch with hospital yet again to check if my line was in position and usable. Another extra trip to the hospital just when I try to avoid them so much !

Those two bits of a padding/ wings should be much closer together !

So I went to the hospital following phone conversation I had with my breast care nurse. I had an X-ray done of my chest and it turns out my picc line has come out by 4cm and if it comes out a little more they ll have to take it out. I was meant to have this little thing attached to me indefinitely as its so much easier and pain free. No needles ! So will see....fingers crossed it behaves and stays in place.

Also I ve pointed out to my lovely breast care nurse  a while ago that I would love to meet other younger women under the age 45 who are going thru the same cancer journey as myself. It looks like she managed to pull something out of her sleeve. My breast care nurse is absolutely fantastic by the way. She is always just a phone call away and ready to help and plus she is very cool. So meeting will  take place in London in oct 14 ( fingers crossed Im still alive!). Its a two day all expense paid stay in hotel with a very interesting program. 

Hope its good !

On the other note ...

I ve recently seen an old movie not knowing anything about the plot. Guess what it turned out to be?! Yet another cancer movie!  Its about psychologist who was diagnosed with malignant tumour of the brain / stem cells tumour. Slowly, as it progressed and pressed on nerve fibres he lost the loss of leg control. This movie made me think about my illness too.
When a healthy person has problems with leg, hips etc most of the time problem can be sorted by operation and person regains the whole mobility of the leg. Its scary for a little while but at the end you are patched back to normal, sort of. With cancer patient often there isn't much you can do about it. You watch in fear decaying of your own body, often accompanied by pain and there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it despite of the great advances in medicine. Cancer is a horrible way to go. Its one of the hardest and scariest way to watch your body disintegrate into nothingness.
This is something that eventually I ll have to go thru and I just want it to be quick and peaceful, if possible. I do fear my own death and I wish I didn't have to think about those things now. I wish i had another 30, 40 years ahead of me to experience life.
John Diamond, British journalist after all was right about something. He said and I quote " Don't spend your life not knowing you are living" Sadly he passed away in 2002 after 5 years of battling with throat cancer

A while ago now I stumbled across Randy Pausch "The Last Lecture".  He was a great human being who sadly passed away in 2008 from pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver. His last lecture was very funny and sad, yet uplifting . He talks about his life and important lessons he learnt along the way. It made me think about my appreciation for life. Life not based on material happiness but simple life. Eventually, we will all come to the same meeting point in our lives and we can't take our material things with us. Some of us will get there quicker than others but what would you choose to pass on to fellow human beings if you were to give a last lecture? Here is a full version of his lecture he gave few months before he passed away with amazing 16,863,774 hits on the you tube !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

and a shorter version of the same story:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyuZWDX55mI


Well I guess my blog has reached 100,292 hits today ! Hurray ! I ve created this blog on 3.April '14 as a part of my own little therapy during my stage iv cancer struggles. After all they say writing is the best therapy! So I thought I d try ! It was my little " airing space", space where I can actually write my thoughts, fears and struggles with cancer. It was my private little diary open bare to you my readers, my family and friends. It has a few spelling, grammar mistakes but thats not the point. I realised its a good way to show people what cancer can do to a person, how it can strip you of all the happiness, make you loose everything from simple things in life like anatomy parts (in my case breasts!), hair, fertility, relationship, job, mobility, etc. It leaves you beaten and punched in your face ! It leaves your body completely exhausted, struggling and on a doorstep of death. But somehow with a help of the loved ones and the will to live, it pulls thru yet again to fight for just a little longer. How long I really don't know, no one does but what Im hoping is that people who read this blog might have a better appreciation for life and those who are on the similar journey will never loose hope.