Nerves Before My Scan

Everyone is after their own little piece of happiness. In cancer world that's living for a little longer. However, even us single cancer patients / survivors ( by the way I hate that word - survivors !) crave for  closeness that you have in relationship. We want to feel wanted, loved by someone. It's enough we feel different from the rest of the world with terminal cancer but when it comes to love you feel like a damaged goods. Completely written off by society when it comes to relationships. You feel like no one wants to touch you even with the barge pole.
I understand its unfair to date when you have cancer. It's not fair on the other person. It's not fair as there are a lots of uncertainties in life of cancer victim. It's not fair for the other to allow themselves to emerge into relationship, enjoy each other, enjoy being close, enjoy being best friends etc etc and knowing that cancer will take you away from that person. I guess its different  if you re in existing relationship, marriage and you got ill or maybe not ! Everyone is different I suppose
Yes I would want to be in relationship, how I'd really want to be close emotionally to someone and be part of the couple and have that special bond. Sometimes life can be really cruel!
If I have cancer why do I need to "feel"like an outcast in this society.
I mean my friends are great in keeping me sane and normal and in making me happy. I really don't know what I'd do without them and I'm so greatful for such a lovely people around me.
 I don't know how other people manage, people in isolation. I often wonder .....
Maybe this rainy weather is making me a little depressed I don't know ... I still cry about my uncertain future.
Tomorrow is my 6 weekly CT scan and I am so worried. I'm worried that the pain I have around chest  my right side is cancer that has spread further. I'm worried my headache and slight forgetfulness is cancer spreading to my brain in which case I'd be kicked off the trial . Every little niggle and pain worries me these days. I'm worried if this drug is helping me or not .. I have so many worries and emotionals downs that I just feel like not getting out of bed and crying for days but I have to pull myself yet again and go on