Cancer is an Illness , Not a Disease

Just a quick note :
Not sure if I should be writing about this or not  but there are people out there who are unclear about  cancer. Cancer is an illness not a disease.  It can not be transmitted via sex, body fluids,  kiss, hug or whatever it is . I guess some non medical people are not clear on that.
Yes if you re having chemo it's recommended you use contraceptive. This is to avoid pregnancy as chemo can cause foetal abnormalities.

Scan Results

My scan results are not as good as I hoped. There is a slight progression of disease in my liver and also they think that Ive got some new lessons in my pelvis. They said there could be flare up response on the first scan and they ll be doing the next one in 6 weeks time.
I had my 4th chemo - immune yesterday and am feeling slightly more tired than usual. I went for my monthly denusemab injection and even though it was 20-25 mins walk to the hospital it was very tiring. Luckily my mum was with me. On a way there I got a phone call from my doc about my CT scan results.
When we came home I had to have my 2 hours sleep again this afternoon. When I woke up I could see my mum crying. Crying that we didn't get the good news, news we were longing for.
I can just imagine when she goes home tonight she will be crying more.

Apart from the tiredness my appetite has reduced, probably due to bad news I had today but also due to my uncertain future. This little Latin saying came to my mind when my doc was explaining about my scan:  Mors cetra, hora incerta which means " Death is certain, only the time of its occurrence is uncertain"

I feel like I could stay in bed and cry for days ...

Anyway this is the report from my CT scan:

Also my basic blood results like haemoglobin, white cells, platelets etc remain unchanged really but my transaminase, transferase and various enzymes which indicate liver damage seem to have increased since the last time which isn't a good news really ! Is my liver packing up and leaving me ?

GT was 95 - 144 normal being (5-36)

AT 86 - 110 normal being ( less than 36)
AT 34 - 46 normal being ( less than 41)
AP 105 - 150 normal being (35-104)

All this is making me feel depressed or down but Ive got to try and show brave face in front of others, especially my parents.

After all Ive seen this little banner on my way from the clinical trial centre:

.... and it says

 " A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do"

Nerves Before My Scan

Everyone is after their own little piece of happiness. In cancer world that's living for a little longer. However, even us single cancer patients / survivors ( by the way I hate that word - survivors !) crave for  closeness that you have in relationship. We want to feel wanted, loved by someone. It's enough we feel different from the rest of the world with terminal cancer but when it comes to love you feel like a damaged goods. Completely written off by society when it comes to relationships. You feel like no one wants to touch you even with the barge pole.
I understand its unfair to date when you have cancer. It's not fair on the other person. It's not fair as there are a lots of uncertainties in life of cancer victim. It's not fair for the other to allow themselves to emerge into relationship, enjoy each other, enjoy being close, enjoy being best friends etc etc and knowing that cancer will take you away from that person. I guess its different  if you re in existing relationship, marriage and you got ill or maybe not ! Everyone is different I suppose
Yes I would want to be in relationship, how I'd really want to be close emotionally to someone and be part of the couple and have that special bond. Sometimes life can be really cruel!
If I have cancer why do I need to "feel"like an outcast in this society.
I mean my friends are great in keeping me sane and normal and in making me happy. I really don't know what I'd do without them and I'm so greatful for such a lovely people around me.
 I don't know how other people manage, people in isolation. I often wonder .....
Maybe this rainy weather is making me a little depressed I don't know ... I still cry about my uncertain future.
Tomorrow is my 6 weekly CT scan and I am so worried. I'm worried that the pain I have around chest  my right side is cancer that has spread further. I'm worried my headache and slight forgetfulness is cancer spreading to my brain in which case I'd be kicked off the trial . Every little niggle and pain worries me these days. I'm worried if this drug is helping me or not .. I have so many worries and emotionals downs that I just feel like not getting out of bed and crying for days but I have to pull myself yet again and go on

Something Little About Cancer ...

Im having never ending problem with my picc line. My nurse came to change my dressing. So we got all the essential stuff ready as usual...

As my dressing was being changed Ive noticed that I could see more of my picc line. Purple line  thats visible suddenly became more visible. Ive asked the nurse if after disinfection of the site I could just simply push the picc line back into my vein and she advised me against it. So I needed to get in touch with hospital yet again to check if my line was in position and usable. Another extra trip to the hospital just when I try to avoid them so much !

Those two bits of a padding/ wings should be much closer together !

So I went to the hospital following phone conversation I had with my breast care nurse. I had an X-ray done of my chest and it turns out my picc line has come out by 4cm and if it comes out a little more they ll have to take it out. I was meant to have this little thing attached to me indefinitely as its so much easier and pain free. No needles ! So will see....fingers crossed it behaves and stays in place.

Also I ve pointed out to my lovely breast care nurse  a while ago that I would love to meet other younger women under the age 45 who are going thru the same cancer journey as myself. It looks like she managed to pull something out of her sleeve. My breast care nurse is absolutely fantastic by the way. She is always just a phone call away and ready to help and plus she is very cool. So meeting will  take place in London in oct 14 ( fingers crossed Im still alive!). Its a two day all expense paid stay in hotel with a very interesting program. 

Hope its good !

On the other note ...

I ve recently seen an old movie not knowing anything about the plot. Guess what it turned out to be?! Yet another cancer movie!  Its about psychologist who was diagnosed with malignant tumour of the brain / stem cells tumour. Slowly, as it progressed and pressed on nerve fibres he lost the loss of leg control. This movie made me think about my illness too.
When a healthy person has problems with leg, hips etc most of the time problem can be sorted by operation and person regains the whole mobility of the leg. Its scary for a little while but at the end you are patched back to normal, sort of. With cancer patient often there isn't much you can do about it. You watch in fear decaying of your own body, often accompanied by pain and there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it despite of the great advances in medicine. Cancer is a horrible way to go. Its one of the hardest and scariest way to watch your body disintegrate into nothingness.
This is something that eventually I ll have to go thru and I just want it to be quick and peaceful, if possible. I do fear my own death and I wish I didn't have to think about those things now. I wish i had another 30, 40 years ahead of me to experience life.
John Diamond, British journalist after all was right about something. He said and I quote " Don't spend your life not knowing you are living" Sadly he passed away in 2002 after 5 years of battling with throat cancer

A while ago now I stumbled across Randy Pausch "The Last Lecture".  He was a great human being who sadly passed away in 2008 from pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver. His last lecture was very funny and sad, yet uplifting . He talks about his life and important lessons he learnt along the way. It made me think about my appreciation for life. Life not based on material happiness but simple life. Eventually, we will all come to the same meeting point in our lives and we can't take our material things with us. Some of us will get there quicker than others but what would you choose to pass on to fellow human beings if you were to give a last lecture? Here is a full version of his lecture he gave few months before he passed away with amazing 16,863,774 hits on the you tube !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

and a shorter version of the same story:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyuZWDX55mI


Well I guess my blog has reached 100,292 hits today ! Hurray ! I ve created this blog on 3.April '14 as a part of my own little therapy during my stage iv cancer struggles. After all they say writing is the best therapy! So I thought I d try ! It was my little " airing space", space where I can actually write my thoughts, fears and struggles with cancer. It was my private little diary open bare to you my readers, my family and friends. It has a few spelling, grammar mistakes but thats not the point. I realised its a good way to show people what cancer can do to a person, how it can strip you of all the happiness, make you loose everything from simple things in life like anatomy parts (in my case breasts!), hair, fertility, relationship, job, mobility, etc. It leaves you beaten and punched in your face ! It leaves your body completely exhausted, struggling and on a doorstep of death. But somehow with a help of the loved ones and the will to live, it pulls thru yet again to fight for just a little longer. How long I really don't know, no one does but what Im hoping is that people who read this blog might have a better appreciation for life and those who are on the similar journey will never loose hope.

My 3rd MSB0010718C Infusion

I had my 3rd infusion of experimental drug called MSB0010718C for solid tumours. Its all much the same as previous ones. Ive been feeling more sleepy due to intravenous drowsy antihistamines so Ive more or less slept straight for two days. Ive been feeling more achy and my liver seems to have swollen a little bit more. I ve seen my doc prior to infusion and my 6 weekly CT scan will be on 27th august. She did mention that I should expect things to get worse due to reaction to the drug before they get better. So we will only know the real results in about 12 weeks from the start of the trial.
Even now I wondered if she was simply trying to reassure me in case things turn up to be worse on my CT scan. I guess I ll see what the near future will bring but its the waiting for scans and results thats the worst. This is something that is all too familiar to us cancer patients.
My bloods seem to have improved but my HB and red blood cells are still a little on a low side. I suppose my body had been smashed, kicked about and completly weakened by number of chemotherapy drugs so now its struggling to produce essential little things.
So these are the latest results:

However, some of the things have marginally improved while others have stayed the same.

Each time I visit the clinic people want to talk to me and remember me!  We ve become this little community full of hopes for extended life we so much crave for. Everyone is interested in how other people are doing and if things are getting better. Talking to each other definitely helps. There are few that I absolutely love chatting to and its really lovely to see them each time. They all seem so positive in such a bleak and horrible reality we re going thru.

Aside from my cancer, last week was fun and sad at the same time. I had a few friends visiting, one of which Ive not seen for nearly 10 years ! So its been rather lovely catching up. Sadly her younger sister had to go through ordeal of breast cancer treatment as well but luckily she is all clear now.
On a slightly sad side, it was my ex relationship anniversary last week. Even though I had some major blows from my ex, there were some good times too. So like most of us, you tend to remember good times only. So even though it made me sad that Im no longer with the person I fell in love with , I had a giggle to myself remembering some funny things we used to do together.
The rest of the week was uneventful really.

I went to pick some of fresh produce from a farm. Its a real treat for us Londoners I tell you ! So I ll be doing a lot of juicing this week !

I think Im in for a real treat with such a lovely fruit and veg 

Also this little veggy drawing made me smile:

Here Comes Another Blister

Recently my days have been ok and with not many problems. I am continuously getting my hot flashes probably more than 20 / day !  I regularly have an embarrassing moments in the shops, London underground, buses, etc. You name it I had it ! Firstly I get really red face, get really hot, feel like jumping in a cold pool and than i break out in this horrendous sweat. Not a great look for a girl i tell you ! Following this I wipe the sweat off my face / my neck and with embarrassing wet patches around my T-shirts walk out of the shops, buses etc. Even my Japanese fan is no longer helping !
Im glad weather is changing slightly these days.

Aside from my very uncomfortable hot flushes Im doing ok. Im spending my days looking after myself, enjoying cinemas and ice cream with my friend in soho in London, being happy to have found edamame beans so I can actually make them at home and generally trying my best to contribute to my clinical trial treatment.   

However, I did have a little bit of the problem with my picc line (tinny little tube in my arm used for bloods and treatment infusions). It started bleeding a little around the site and I had this massive fluid filled blister pop up. My skin is very sensitive to various dressing as it seems. 

As it was saturday morning and district nurses are not fully operational I had to go to A&E only to be told after 3 hours of blood testing and waiting around that they can't change my dressing and I had to go back to my hospital where I spent many months undergoing gruelling chemo regimes. I wouldn't have minded waiting in A&E so much if my good friend Tes wasn't coming around to stay with me for the weekend. Also air-conditioned hospital was great for my hot flushes too ! I only had one whilst waiting for 3 hours !

On the good note my bloods seem to have gotten better, only ever so slightly but little things these days make me happy. 

Elana perfectly described how little things in life can make you happy and here is a part of her blog that she kindly allowed me to share with everyone:

(also I should point out that she has finally created cancer ebook that you can download for free)

From Elana's blog at http://zenpsychiatry.com

Afternoons were for lounging. Maybe I’d sit in my parents’ garden with a book or my computer. It would be quiet, but I felt I could hear all those little sounds—the buzzing of bees as they flew around the rosemary bush, the crunching of dry grass as deer picked the ground for food, the constant “whoosh” of the freeway a few miles away. I felt so joyous and appreciative for where I was and everything I had. I don’t think I had felt so happy in my entire life.

You might not have guessed that at that moment I was in the middle of battling an aggressive form of lymphoma, and was undergoing one of the more arduous chemotherapy regimens that exists.

I could no longer work, could no longer drive, could no longer take care of many basic needs. I looked in the mirror and saw a bald, atrophied, chubby-faced version of myself that was a far cry from the Elana I used to see. So how could I be so happy when so much I loved about my life, so much that identified me, had been taken away?

I was so happy because I had gained far more than I had lost.

I was happy because a month before, I couldn’t eat because either my mouth was covered in sores, making eating excruciatingly painful, or I was nauseated to the point where I’d throw up anything I’d eat. Meal times were a cruel joke; I would be starving, and want nothing more than to stuff my face with a hamburger, but instead would have to eat unflavored popcorn, waiting 15 seconds before putting each kernel in my mouth to make sure I wasn’t going to throw up.

Or, I’d have to perform an elaborate ritual to numb my mouth before eating something soft, bland, and unsatisfying (first, take two oxycontin and wait an hour; then, swish numbing mouthwash for at least a minute to numb entire mouth—also taking away my ability to taste; then, apply numbing liquid to each individual sore; finally, eat meal, but make sure to finish within ten minutes before everything wears off).

Now, I could eat with gusto! I could taste my food!

One day I went out to lunch with my mom and birth mom at a nice outdoor cafe. I was in such anticipation of the meal that I found the menu online and picked out my meal ahead of time. I savored every bite; I savored the conversation. I ordered a glass of chardonnay even though it was the middle of the day (why the hell not?). I ordered the biggest dessert on the menu even though I had ordered an appetizer, too (why the hell not?).

I was happy because whereas before I felt crippled by chronic body pain, my pain was now well-managed with medications and alleviated as I healed in this better environment. It no longer hurt to stand up, to walk, to do basic tasks around the house.

I could get my own glass of water. I could make my own breakfast. I didn’t wake up hurting so bad I almost couldn’t breathe, grasping for my pain medications by the side of the bed (because their effects had, unfortunately, worn off at some point in the middle of the night).

I was happy because I could now focus enough to read a good book (or a trashy magazine), I could get off the couch and go for walks in the near-perfect Bay Area weather, I could go to the bathroom without feeling like my butt was being stabbed with a kitchen knife (I wish I could say mucositis just affects the mouth… but sorry, it doesn’t). How could I not feel like my life was wonderful? How could I not feel blessed?

Yes, cancer has caused me pain. But—more notable than the pain is the appreciation for life my illness has given me. There’s nothing like the threat of having your life taken away to make you appreciate the small joys all around you.

Life Is To Be Enjoyed and Moments To Be Treasured

Ive survived my second infusion few days ago with no major side effects. Apart from feeling very sleepy on a day of infusion and day after, I was fine. However, my hot flushes seem to be worse than ever! This wonderful, sunny weather doesn't help at all. It seem to trigger my hot flushes even more. 

Also I ve been told to avoid sunshine if possible, but how can I? I absolutely love my long walks. What I enjoy the most is having friends visit me and doing fun stuff with them that makes me smile Unfortunately, all that involves being outdoors :( most of the time.

Fortunately, most of my dear friends are very understanding of my needs so we try and balance it nicely. 

Unlike chemo, which was absolutely awful, this PDL-1 infusion is great. I don't have many side effects, which means I can have more enjoyable days/weeks. 

So this is some of the fun stuff Ive done so far:

                                                                      

                                                     
I had my ice-cream                                                                                  
                                                                                                                      dipped my feet in
                                                                                                                      Thames water 

                                                                                                                     " London beach"

Felt sand under my feet 

                                       

Ive been in Cable Car and  had some wonderful walks

Bought some lovely shoes while shopping with my friends 

.....  and boat ride too.

Mainly, I ve tried to be silly, have fun with my dear friends and enjoy life like no one is watching.

Simple things in life make me the happiest 

Im so grateful to have such a wonderful friends and people surround me and never allowing me to have a dull moment in my life. I just hope my scans are ok so I can continue to enjoy my shortened life for longer. Im gonna have CT scan after my 3rd infusion and thats when I ll find out if treatment is working. Im so anxious about this. At the times I feel great. I even forget that I have cancer. However, dark thoughts are never too far away. I worry if this treatment will work. If my cancer will spread even further. I worry about the prospect of going back to chemo which I fear will most certainly kill me. Most of all I worry about my family and how they will deal should my heath worsen and should they loose me. We all had some losses in our lives. Some were very close to home and others not. Losses always tend to leave that empty space, that gap in our bodies and in our lives. That empty space never gets filled, it never heals and its always there. You just learn to live with it.  I ve lost some dear family memebers and friends in my life too. Its never easy.

 One of the things that made me cry and very upset is when my ex boyfriend asked me where I will be buried when I die... he said he d like to come and visit my grave from time to time. Thoughts of me dying and having my parents, close family and friends come to visit me at the cemetery still make me cry each time I think of it. I often wonder if I could have done more to prevent this illness from happening to me. Could I have done more to keep healthy and would that have done the trick or is this something that just randomly happens to us. 1 in 3 people get cancer and thats rather a lot. Have we become our worst enemies by creating fast and stressful lives ? 

All I ever wanted is quiet, simple family life, it didn't have to be wealthy life just simple life filled with laughter, fun, health and happiness. Was that too much to ask for?

Recently, I ve looked online to order some DVDs. They are not out yet. One of them was available to pre order for 6. Oct '14. I was thinking that I might not live that long to see this movie on preorder. So I ve not bought it. I know people say we don't know how long each of us will live for and that you can go out on the street and be run over by bus the next day. Yes thats all true but with some of us cancer patients and cancer patients families its all very different. We live with a death for prolonged period of time. Its like family has to go thru extended grief but of course, whether it comes suddenly, slowly or unexpectedly death of the loved ones leave us with a feel of loss and its never easy 

I wonder what my family will go thru after Im gone but I hope and prey that I ll be here for a little bit longer. 

After all I ve been told I was too stubborn to die ....

What Do You See ?

Truth is, you don't get to see something like this very often. When John Legend released his video for 'You & I' (Nobody in the world) using 63 different women of varying race, age and experience, he also made a separate video asking some of them to reveal 'what they see in the mirror'. The end result is really something special.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcSnUaGfm-A


If ever there was a video that could be said to capture the beauty and pain of human experience, this would be it.

Nearly There .... (Updated Version). Im Finally in the Trial

So I started all my test to see if I'd be included in the trial. I had my bloods, bp, height weight ECG and CT scan done. Tests and hospital visits felt like a big blur in my life. It's was all happening too fast and all at once. Having a hot English weather was nice but it all added to my exhaustion. CT scan was amazingly easy as there was no needles. They ve used my picc line ( my blood port) instead of injecting me. So I was very happy it was pain free. 

Liver biopsy was the last and most painful test. They gave me this beautiful gown in the super posh clinic to wear......

Than they wheeled me in my bed thru hidden tunnels of the Central London I never knew existed and finally I got to the biopsy room. I was surrounded by number of little gadgets, computers and an ultrasound machine. Doc came around and introduced himself and cracked on with a procedure. I was slightly worried as I was hoping to have some sort of sedation. I ve asked if I was having any and he said no. Not even happy air I said and he said no, not that I'm aware of. Suddenly fear came over me... He did ultrasound first, pain free so far. I could see my liver and all the cancer within it. It felt weird looking at the live images of my biggest enemy at the present. 

Than he took out the needle and injected my skin and into deeper capsule of my liver. Very painful. You could feel it going thru your skin. I shouted " this is worse than dental anaesthetics "! 

While waiting for Local to kick in he asked me some " passing time" questions one of which was what I did for living. I explained I was a dentist to which he replied that since the begging of the week he had quite a few dentists on which he performed the same procedure, biopsy of liver cancer.  Oh dear I thought, what's with the world. Cancer seems to be everywhere. Even in the morning when I read online papers there are at least 2 cancer stories each day and those are the people who have made it to the papers! What about a thousands and thousands of cases who never do? 

So he continued with a procedure. Now, up to this point I've been looking at the ultrasound screen and live images it was producing but when he pushed a big biopsy needle in between the ribs and into my liver  while i was still watching it all being done I nearly fainted. I turned my head away and asked if they wouldn't mind talking to me about anything, anything at all so I would not faint. So they continued talking about silly things until the procedure was over. They needed 9 samples of my cancer for this trial and these are the results of my biopsy. 

My CT scan showed that my cancer has not changed or grown by much. Since my last CT scan and since having a chat with nutritionist late May '14 I started eating more or less anything I fancied, whatever my body craved for  even ice cream and other sugary snacks I so much avoided !  I thought to myself I might as well enjoy food that I liked if my life was gonna be a short one. I must admit on my latest scan I expected cancer would have spread much further, especially in my liver and would be all over my body. I was so relieved when I could see on my biopsy result that that wasn't the case.

Also for this trial they needed bloods to be done as well. They seem to test everything possible in my blood. I had 11 vials of blood taken and those are some of my results:

My haemoglobin was on a low side and few other things as well. However, I didn't seem to feel any different. I guess you d expect tiredness, to feel light headed, short of breath etc with my results but I felt the same. As if my body has gotten used to the lack of major blood components. 

This is me on the finial day of testing:

So far I had height, weight, BP, ECG, bloods and liver biopsy done. This trial included people who expressed PDL1 marker and those who didn't.

Ive anxiously waited to hear if I was included in this trial. I didn't know until the very last day. Apparently sponsor needed to know if I had any progression of cancer while I was on a hormone treatment. I was placed on a hormone treatment only as an interim holding off before my 28 days washout out period (where they need my body to clear off any medication I was taking ). Also they ve requested my scans from my hospital to compare with the most recent scan. Luckily, my lovely doc Jason to which Im so grateful and proud to have as my doc sorted it all out in no time. 

So finally after everything, every piece of big puzzle was collected they told me I was included in the trial. 

I was very happy about this but part of me was very scared of this unknown treatment. I didn't know how I was gonna react to the drug but most of all I was worried about having severe allergic reaction that some people have and I was worried if i ll survive that. 

This was the pic taken by my mum on a day of infusion. I was petrified. Yes you get a first class treatment but after all you re a guinea pig 

Before the drug itself, they took some more bloods (5 blood vials ), they gave me paracetamols and drowsy antihistamine. Within a few seconds I was so sleepy and I found it so difficult to keep my eyes open. I brought some stuff to read while I was in this hospital but I really didn't need any of it. 

Moments before the infusion I was chatting to other patients. Some of them told me about their life a little, their failed relationship due to cancer, others told me about their cancers, etc, etc. Everyone was amazingly so open with me and it kind of made me happy. There was no "bullshit" talk that most people tends to have when they meet. This was very open talk about real things, real life that was happening. One person said his cancer has been stable since the start of the trial which was April 14 and the other one told me he had reduction of 50% of his cancer and has been on the trial for about 5-6 months. All of this was very encouraging to me. 

However, within the next hour, chatty and loud clinical room turned into a very quiet room. We were all given our drowsy antihistamine than made us very sleepy. Its like some kind of movie or something, very unreal and funny in our bleak reality, filled with hopes of extended life. 

Infusion seemed to have gone really well. I felt ok. I had to wait for two hours afterwards to have my ECG done. 

I was given loads of meds on my discharge. Anti sickness meds, in case I have diarrhoea meds and hydrocortisone cream in case I have a little bit of rash on my body.

This was my clinical room before I got discharged. More or less everyone had left home:

I was told I should report any side effects that I might have and was given a number to call day / night.

I must admit I didn't have major side effects. Apart from feeling tired the next day and a little bit of sore throat, everything else seemed fine. I was told sore throat would have been expected side effect as its immunotherapy drugs and flu like symptoms in the first few days was considered normal.  I was told to avoid sun exposure as my skin would burn more easily and to prevent delayed effects of sun exposure such as rash and painful skin condition that some people have developed.

 So I continued to be ok and with no problems for the first week.  

They needed to see me more often in first few weeks so they can do observations and bloods.

In the meantime I have developed a bit of the allergy to my picc line dressing. Little blisters came up on my skin just under the dressing. They have immediately changed it to sensitive skin dressing for me. 

It happened twice so we all know its certain dressing fault !

So I was happy that I didn't have major side effects to the drug, I was happy drug didn't make me feel bad like chemo did. Other patients have told me the same. Some of them were on a death bed as to say before the start of the trial and now they feel normal. I must admit this was the first time I felt normal myself. This was also the first time when I had a days that I have forgotten that I had cancer. I kind of felt normal again even though I knew I wasn't and could never be "normal " again. If it wasn't for my picc line on my arm I think I could easily pass as a normal, healthy 30 something year old woman. 

Chemo made me so unwell almost straight away and this drug didn't. I can only hope that it works as well.

We all take our life for granted at the times. It takes for us to become ill to appreciate what normal is again. It takes for us to be very close to death to appreciate life again. We all take life for granted and people around us. I ve done it myself. I got absorbed in my job, I craved for success and recognition in life, I craved for status in life and like many of us I craved material things. When I got ill none of that was important any more. What was important is my family, my friends and all good people around me. No one even cared if I was a dentist or a person with no qualifications. We re all the same.... and eventually one day (hopefully NOT in a near future !) we will all go in the same box.

So, while I can I intend to fully enjoy my life, appreciate little things around me and live in hope that my clinical trial drug will work and give me a little more of extended life Im craving for so much ...

An amazingly foamy coffee I had the other day :)