Its Nice Being Away

These days I feel like i ve neglected my writing a little but here I am again airing my thoughts and feelings and keeping everyone updated with my current treatments ...

So after my meeting with prof and clinical trial people I received a phone call from a nurse saying if I wanted to take a part in the trial I needed to sign a consent form by thursday 25th June as the sponsor decided to close the trial suddenly. Of course I rushed to this opportunity but in the back of my head i couldn't help but think why they needed to close it so suddenly?

So I went in to sign a consent the very next day. I had a brief chat with my lady doc before signing.  She couldn't answer my question about sudden closure of the trial and just said that sponsor decided to do so but she didn't know why. I ve asked a few questions i needed to know about the trial set up, etc and also mentioned that I d like to be involved in my care and know results of my tests if possible to which she answered yes.
I ve asked a little more about people in the trial so far and it seems like there were a few who had reaction to the drug in form of anaphylactics and they were later excluded from the trial.
Its not gonna be an easy ride this trial I thought. So after we finished with all the paperwork she said "now go on a holiday for a while and enjoy yourself".  I said I would love to but explained we had my aunty and my cousins,  twins 13 your old boys visiting from Canada. Some other time maybe I said and I left. That evening I came home and couldn't help but look at the cottages around southern uk near the sea.  I kind of narrowed my choices to two of them. Not thinking much of it I sent an email to them both asking about dogs and if they are allowed to come as well. I than shut my computer down and carried on with life.

So the next day Canadian family came over. I ve not seen them for a while and was very much looking forward to seeing them. Boys have really grown into a young men. When I initially saw them I felt very old as they are big and are nearly the same height as me!

Luckily, without chemo I started to feel better and my appetite had increased. I would have an occasional heart attack like pain on the wrong side of my body !?! (right side ) and slight discomfort around the liver. I guess I always had a low grade pain around my liver and I slowly over the past months got used to it. It almost became a normal part of my life. I ve tried not to pay too much attention to it. However, on the other hand my hot flushes, I assume partly because of zoladex and also maybe because of the extent of my cancer were getting more pronounced. I d say I get them more throughout a day these days but they are not as bad as they were when I was on tamoxifen few years back after my first lot of cancer treatment.

Having boys around made me feel younger and more able in a certain way. We visited a lot of famous sites and we even went to Hamleys (toy shop spread over 5 or 6 floors). I forgot how much fun it was to go there ! Did you know they even have small electric cars that you can drive up the wall and on the ceiling too ?
We also went to Harry Potter studio in London as well. Im not a fan of the movie and I never read any of the books either so I guess I couldn't appreciate it as much but it certainly was interesting to see all the sets that took months to create.

Harry Potter Studio

While our Canadians were staying with us I had a response from both cottages. One was closed for renovations and the other happened to be free first week in July but was otherwise booked all the way until september ! They said dogs were welcome and on the spur of the moment without much of the thinking I booked one for 4 nights.  Would have booked it for longer but had to time it in a gap between our family leaving and my oncology appointment.

 It turned out to be best of the british weather in the first fews days of our stay down south. temperatures were soaring and reached late 20s.  I was certainly glad I managed to get away from very busy and extremely polluted London.  I was worried about my nearly two hours car journey but with a stops every now and than it seemed ok. I know this might sound silly to healthy people but I was worried about getting out of my comfort zone, central London where my hospital was. I was worried if anything should happened to me on the way there or whilst over there how would my parents take it.
What if my liver can't cope any more or my cancer on ovaries spreads a little further and penetrates my peritoneal sack ( my lining protecting my insides). What if Im in horrific pain ? I know there are hospitals down there but it might take a while to get my medical history across ! Will that be the end of me?
Anyway, we somehow made it to our cottage destination and I must admit I couldn't have picked a better one. Its a perfect place for me to relax and try and recuperate a little before I start clinical trial tests next week.

View from our holiday cottage 

Just earlier yesterday morning I was watching my parents from the balcony window. They were at the back of the cottage, in the garden with our dog. I felt a great sadness for them. Instead of enjoying their older age, they are now faced with a dying daughter. The only child my mum has. I felt sad and tears without even realising covered my face. Is this what it will be like for them? Two of them with a dog wondering around like a two lost souls. Would I be able to watch them from above like I m watching them now? I ve tried to compose myself before they noticed, wiped my tears away and went downstairs to join them. I wanted to enjoy this little holiday together for now.

That night fox came around to back garden and took one of my favourite shoes. I know its my fault for forgetting to take them in but who would have thought fox would be interested in my smelly Camper shoes ! Later on I found my shoe at the very bottom of the garden near the fence with a little bite on them where she held it in her mouth.

No matter how hard Im trying to relax and enjoy some of the funny moments that I have, my thoughts are never too far away from cancer treatments and death.
Next week, fingers crossed I ll be going thru series of tests which if I pass I ll get accepted into the trial. Hopefully than, I ll start the drug infusions around 16 th july.
I still don't know if I ll pass my tests. Im very anxious about it all. All this sounds like a school tests Im required to pass to go onto the next stage. However, it couldn't be more different as this for me is the matter of living or dying.

I had too many failures in my life or at least thats what it feels like for me.
When I was diagnosed with cancer I felt like I failed in life, when I was told I might not be able to have a kids, I felt like I failed as a woman. When my relationship ended due to my cancer circumstances, again I felt like I failed in relationships..... I know many of those things might be out of my hands but I don't want to fail in this clinical trial treatment, not now, not yet

Beautiful painting like view at 5 am yesterday morning